On the advice of "A girl you know" and some other very close friends..I decided, fuck it why not..lets blog. This is my page, where my feelings go and people have to decide if they want to take the good, and the ugly of me.

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. I went to Calgary with a very good friend of mine who recently broke up with his fiance of two years..he found out that she had been cheating on him while they were together and a whole load of other shit. So we spent the 2 hours to Calgary discussing relationships and our issues.

I've been going through a particularly hard time right now trying to deal with the fact that things always change and trying to be strong enough to deal with having my heart broken a million times over because people don't love me... I figured my friend was a good person to talk to about this because he's a perfectly nice guy,with a lot going for him and yet he got left because of that crazy little thing called love...
He gave me a lot of insight into myself and understands were I'm comming from with a lot of things which is nice, but there are still a lot of things he can't give me answers for.

Like why does it hurt so damn much and why does the other person not seem to care half as much about it as you do. I think its like I told my friend..He said that he thought he was in love with her and I corrected him, that he WAS in love with her but it was all for shit because she didn't love him. It doesn't make him a failure because he loved her. Then you inevitabily start wondering what the hell is wrong with you and how long your going to have to hear about how happy everyone else is and about how "in love" they are.

On the topic on wondering what is wrong with me, I'm an odd one becasue I have the worlds highest/lowest self esteem ever. I don't think that I'm bad looking, most days I can ususally look in a mirror and not mind what I see. Same goes for my personality, I'm usually funny and I know I have a really good heart.

SO whats wrong?!! I could spend hours trying to pick out what it could be that makes guys not want to be with me...Maybe I'm too jealous,too nit picky,too fat too...something..anything. Hell it could be something as simple as I smell.

Then there is having to deal with the effects of love, my friend has lost over 15 pounds (he's a big guy too) in the last little while because of all the stress. I know this song well. I tend to work myself up so bad over myself..I can't deal with stress..I hate crying so I forgo that for puking. It sounds fucked up, but throwing up for me does what having a good cry does for someone else. It relieves me. I don't force myself to throw up, I don't really have to. Just the thoughts of never being able to find someone who will love all the (numerous) fucked up things about me..makes me sick to my stomach.

One of the pro's of love and all its abuses is strength. Everyday I have to fight myself to get out of my bed and make an attempt at living. So many times I thought about giving up and just saying "fuck this,if they don't care now I will make them" . A while ago I actually slept the two days I had off work because nobody knew it but I had actually started taking a bunch of sleeping pills...Luckily I was dumb enough to take them one at a time so I passed out before I got enough in me to kill me. Still,it came way too close.

Every once in a while though, I realize that I am still here and will still wake up in the morning regardless of who does or doesn't care. I am still me. I still have a life to live. I may not like it, in fact I may hate it but I'll fight it tooth and nail just to survive it. Whats bigger to me than love? Pride. I am not about to let something take me down unless its myself...no offense to anyone or anything but there is no more worthy opponent than my own soul. Who knows me better?

The more I talk to my friends I am s-l-o-w-l-y getting it into my head that maybe...just maybe..I have enough redeaming qualities and maybe I will find someone who will see that and be smart enough to do something about it. In the mean time I know that I have to work fixing myself. I have to relearn how to be happy and how to be happy for people. I love my friends with all my heart and I want them to be happy and that is why I struggle so hard sometimes. I don't want to be envious of the people I love because they found something I don't have. I don't want to resent the people I love because they couldn't love me in the way I wanted and most of all I don't want to loose the people I love because I am so deathly afraid of being alone. So in order to keep what I have, I must count my blessing...one blessing at a time. I need to find my faith in something again.

I don't know when it will ever happen to me again all that I know is like I said, I am still here and I don't know what that means except that as long as I allow myself to be here, I am forced to face life head on and be strong. Yes, like everything in life that works, at one point or another I can and do break down. I need to quit being ashamed of this and keep finding the fight to push back. One of the reasons I want to keep writing. If I can even think that maybe one person can identify with how I feel. It reminds me that while we all have to find our own fight, but we aren't doing it alone.