i'll be just fine pretending I'm not...

So I talked to a close friend of mine today, we used to be like sisters we even looked alike. We were like ying and yang. She was the over acheiving good girl who was good at everything. I was the underachiever and damn proud of it troubled girl.

We were talking about our respective issues and its funny because she has essentially everything she could want and shes still unhappy. She has a great job, shes lived in a ton of different places across Canada and done really well for herself. Its funny though because as I talked to her I realized our love lives were disturbingly similar.

Its nice to have someone who knows what your going through. How it feels to be so restless and have that lust to be completely self distructive.

No, somedays you think death would just be too mercifull. You actually want to punish yourself. Eat,drink and fuck whatever you can because it no longer means anything anymore. My doctor told me that because of my ulcer I was developing a hole in my stomach and that I should change my habbits. I told this to my ex boyfriend over a dinner of pasta,a whiskey and coke and of course a smoke.

See what I mean? Its only getting worse as I go. I'm so desprate to find some meaning left in myself that all day I have been thinking about re-piercing my nose, getting a tattoo and cutting my hair. Its like I can't wait to get away from myself right now. Somedays I wonder how people can stand me..I feel like I'm so weak. A friend of mine told me that he loved my courage and my convictions...I had to laugh.. courage? I'm afraid of everything. Convictions I suppose I can see, mostly because I'm stubborn and don't like admitting I'm wrong. But in all honesty I don't really know jack about shit. I don't know what I'm going to do.