Balance

So things are hanging in the balance still..the boy is still pissed and I'm still a wreck.

Its one day at a time, one painfully long day at a time. I even called in sick today because I had been crying mostly all day and felt like shit. Even thought I have a do nothing job I just felt like it was better to sit there and feel like crap than go to work and have to feel like crap.

I don't really want to kill myself but I can't help fantasizing different ways to kill the pain I feel. I would almost rather be dead than have the feeling like I already am inside. A walking corpse.

I tried to eat a little today, just a little bread and cheese and I've drank a lot of tea. Its funny, I'm almost getting used to not eating. I just wish I could get used to not sleeping. I think I might pass out tonight though, only because I'm pretty sure that I'm exhausted.

Today,tommorrow...the next 20 years of my life..