shake it off....
Its cool to see that I was missed while I've been m.i.a doing that whole life busness. First up..shout outs to you all who still check up on me..thanks. Hope your all doing well too.
As the title suggests I've been shakin it off..I realize that Mariah's reference (or Mimi I believe is her moniker now) is to that loser man in her life. I can't say I'm really there but I'm kinda applying it to other aspects of my life right now.
Things have been better by far, but I have learned that while I have problems everyone else has a million more. So you eventually have to stop bitching and start doing something about it.
I would say that the last couple weeks have been some of the most frightening times in my life. From money worries to relationship stresses to heath worries and unemployment I've run the gamut. Wait, is that a word...hang on...wow it is. Ain't that some shit. haha. For those of you that know me well enough, you know that sometimes I have a habbit of making up words. Well not exactly making them up but taking words that exsist and warping them into what I think is a real word. I think if I can use it in a sentence it should be a word. Stupid Websters. Anyway back to my original topic..me.
So its seeming that I am taking all of the hardest things I can think of to do in life and trying to do them all at once. I realize how sick and masochistic that sounds but I feel as though I need to suffer in order to learn anything. I've been told thats very "budhist" of me. I call it kinda crazy. None the less its what I'm doing.
I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, which seems impossible enough. Its hard when it changes everyday. A lot of it has to do with the fear of what if I'm not good enough. I want to be the best and if I can't be the best I'd rather not do it at all. I know thats not a good attitude but how many people out there are content with just good enough? There would be no politicians, no athletes, billionaires,terrorists...if they all thought that being less than the best was okay.
Morally I'm having a shithole of a time. I'm being faced with some very hard personal choices right now and if I ever wanted to truly believe theres a God its right now. I would hope that this God is the one that no matter what, loves me and will forgive me as long as I'm willing to feel sorry. I don't think I've ever felt more sorry for the things in my life I've done than the things that lie ahead of me. Its always a comfort to have the support of the people here on earth that love you but at the end of the day when your alone with yourself those are the times that are the worst. You try to convince yourself that its all going to be okay and that the choices you made were for the best but every night when your alone...that little time you have before you dream you have to wonder if what you did was really true. Everyone says you can't torture yourself wondering. But no matter who you are..you always do.
Where does one find the strength? I mean you always get those typical answers, "My (boyfriend,cat,bible,parents)" but how do you find it in yourself? What drives people to keep going? I've never been able to explain it myself. I am still running with my masochism theory. I surivive only to torture myself. Not saying that everything in my life sucks all the time or that everything has been all bad. I have actually been far luckier than I deserve and I am grateful. Why though won't I give up? Even if I wanted to I don't think I could and I want to know what it is that drives that. I want to know what drives people like me. People that know that yeah, most of your life is going to suck but they keep going.
Not really sure where I'm going with this rant but thats the point, I usually don't have one. Its kinda like a picasso painting, its open for interpretation mostly because even the painter has no idea what the hell it means. So feel free to tell me what you all think. There are billions of people out there and opinions are like assholes...everybody has one.
posted by that girl at 11:50 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks for your advice on the purging. It didn’t sound crazy at all. I’ve been trying all kinds of different things to get control of this and if that’s one of the things that helps, why not do it? No matter how crazy it may seem to be.
So...my thoughts on God...if I had subscribe to a religion, it would be Christianity. Right now, though, I'm beginning to hate that association. Just to warn that my opinion is going to be biased in that way. So that being said, let me jump on in here...
The Bible says that there everyone is born with the innate knowledge that there is a God. I think that we all crave a connection with that “higher power” on some level. And like you said, having a connection with this God and thinking that He loves you and forgives you and is looking out for you…what greater thing is there. If there is nothing else out there, this is enough, because it gives you hope when you have none. It’s that last thread on which you place your faith, hope, and trust when you are hanging by an unraveling rope. I believe that God is there loving us and caring for us…looking out for our ultimate good. That doesn’t mean that he is nice or a pushover or a pansy…but he is kind, compassionate, forgiving, fair, honest, etc. He’s more balanced than we could ever be. We are made like him…we are pictures of him…every one of us. He made us to be like Him, we give each other insight into His personality and his frame of mind. I don’t know if that makes sense or not… but if you want me to go into that I could.
“Where does one find the strength?” He gives us the strength. A lot of people in this world feel like they should be strong for themselves; that they have to “get back” at the unjust people in the world. But the Bible says that vengeance will be God’s in the end. So you don’t have to be obsessed with revenge. He pays back injustices. He may not pay them back in the time frame that we would like, but it happens. So that’s one less thing to worry about. There is freedom in trusting God…freedom from bitterness, spitefulness, past regret, and more.
There has to be more than just a willingness to feel sorry. He appreciates the “sorry,” but it’s that whole principle where someone betrays you somehow, like lying to you about getting drunk (for example). They tell you that they aren’t going to get drunk anymore because they are obnoxious when they drink and you hate it. They tell you over and over again that they’ll never do it again. They even promise. Well, they go out one night and get drunk. They feel so bad that they come to you and tell you that they did it and they are really sorry and they’ll never do it again. But you don’t believe it anymore. You want proof…more than just words. You want them to completely turn away from that and stay away from whatever triggers that behavior in them because it is coming between you two. It’s this huge issue in your relationship with them. That’s how God wants you to be. He appreciates that you are sorry, but He wants you to make an effort not to do it anymore. His forgiveness doesn’t depend on that, but it would keep you from having to deal with the guilt. I don’t believe that He wants us to hurt and feel shame, regret, and guilt. It all comes down to Him caring about us and wanting us to be free from all of those things that hold us down. And by turning away from that thing that has you feeling that way, you are guaranteeing that that particular situation will not be an issue in your relationship with God, making you feel like you can’t approach Him when you want or need to. I don’t know if that makes sense or if you feel that I “dumbed it down” or whatever. I don’t mean to be condescending at all, but that’s the foundation of forgiveness and repentance…being sorry and turning away from whatever you are sorry for doing.
You find God when you look for Him. He says (in the Bible) that if you reach out even halfway, He’ll meet you there. You don’t have to change anything about you to get Him to notice you or love you… He already loves you and has been eyeing you this whole time, hoping that you’d notice Him. You just have to reach out to Him at some point and accept Him. He says to just come to Him as you are…not who you think He wants you to be.
Those are my oh-so-very long thoughts on that. There are tons more where that comes from, so if you want more let me know. If not, no worries. I’m definitely not perfect by any means, but I know who holds my hand through the good AND bad times. When people in my family were seemingly dying off one by one, I wouldn’t have made it without knowing that it was not God’s will that they die, that He was not punishing me for something, that He is not some sadist out to ruin me….but He loves me, understands me, knows my struggles and strengths, sees what’s behind my smile, basically, He sees me for who I really am and still wants to have a relationship with me.
That’s all I’ve got…I think this is as long as your post… J Sorry…
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