shake it off....
Its cool to see that I was missed while I've been m.i.a doing that whole life busness. First up..shout outs to you all who still check up on me..thanks. Hope your all doing well too.
As the title suggests I've been shakin it off..I realize that Mariah's reference (or Mimi I believe is her moniker now) is to that loser man in her life. I can't say I'm really there but I'm kinda applying it to other aspects of my life right now.
Things have been better by far, but I have learned that while I have problems everyone else has a million more. So you eventually have to stop bitching and start doing something about it.
I would say that the last couple weeks have been some of the most frightening times in my life. From money worries to relationship stresses to heath worries and unemployment I've run the gamut. Wait, is that a word...hang on...wow it is. Ain't that some shit. haha. For those of you that know me well enough, you know that sometimes I have a habbit of making up words. Well not exactly making them up but taking words that exsist and warping them into what I think is a real word. I think if I can use it in a sentence it should be a word. Stupid Websters. Anyway back to my original topic..me.
So its seeming that I am taking all of the hardest things I can think of to do in life and trying to do them all at once. I realize how sick and masochistic that sounds but I feel as though I need to suffer in order to learn anything. I've been told thats very "budhist" of me. I call it kinda crazy. None the less its what I'm doing.
I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, which seems impossible enough. Its hard when it changes everyday. A lot of it has to do with the fear of what if I'm not good enough. I want to be the best and if I can't be the best I'd rather not do it at all. I know thats not a good attitude but how many people out there are content with just good enough? There would be no politicians, no athletes, billionaires,terrorists...if they all thought that being less than the best was okay.
Morally I'm having a shithole of a time. I'm being faced with some very hard personal choices right now and if I ever wanted to truly believe theres a God its right now. I would hope that this God is the one that no matter what, loves me and will forgive me as long as I'm willing to feel sorry. I don't think I've ever felt more sorry for the things in my life I've done than the things that lie ahead of me. Its always a comfort to have the support of the people here on earth that love you but at the end of the day when your alone with yourself those are the times that are the worst. You try to convince yourself that its all going to be okay and that the choices you made were for the best but every night when your alone...that little time you have before you dream you have to wonder if what you did was really true. Everyone says you can't torture yourself wondering. But no matter who you are..you always do.
Where does one find the strength? I mean you always get those typical answers, "My (boyfriend,cat,bible,parents)" but how do you find it in yourself? What drives people to keep going? I've never been able to explain it myself. I am still running with my masochism theory. I surivive only to torture myself. Not saying that everything in my life sucks all the time or that everything has been all bad. I have actually been far luckier than I deserve and I am grateful. Why though won't I give up? Even if I wanted to I don't think I could and I want to know what it is that drives that. I want to know what drives people like me. People that know that yeah, most of your life is going to suck but they keep going.
Not really sure where I'm going with this rant but thats the point, I usually don't have one. Its kinda like a picasso painting, its open for interpretation mostly because even the painter has no idea what the hell it means. So feel free to tell me what you all think. There are billions of people out there and opinions are like assholes...everybody has one.
posted by that girl at 11:50 PM
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