I decided that since this is one of the only ways I can get out my thoughts and feelings I may as well utilize it.

A few days ago on my birthday my exfiance called me at 3 in the morning.."to see how I was". This call came with many mixed feelings. Relief that he was still alive and not in jail,anger at the fact that he still left me and our son to go shack up with some bimbo. Ah but it gets deeper, I knew that he was probably back to his old ways of doing and selling drugs but he usually lied about it and tried to cover it up. Not that night. In a quiet voice he confirmed to me what I had suspected and deep down what I had feared. He was doing and selling cocaine and his new girlfriend was also a user.
This is what I had been left for. A drug. A stupid fucking drug.
He was back at his moms house which gave me a little hope that maybe this time he was serious about changing. He told me that he wanted to go to rehab and get clean,this was something I had never heard him say before. Although I was skeptical,how many times had he told me things just so that I would stay on his leash just a little bit longer? This time however he offered me no excuses. He said that he would call me everyday and that he just wanted to be clean.

That was a few days ago and I waited up every night hoping my phone would ring. I finally called his moms house tonight to talk to her and I also ended up talking to him. Turns out he was out the last few days cutting his ties to the drug world and leaving behind his crackhead girlfriend. He also told me that tommorrow he was calling to get into a rehab center about an hour from here.

I don't know what to think or how to feel right now. I want to so badly believe he'll do it because part of me still loves him. Yet he's burned me so badly that part of me wishes he would just go away and stay gone. How do you love someone and hate them at the same time?