Like a brick

Sometimes I know I take self concious to a whole new level.

I know my friends usually tease me in good fun, but sometimes it really gets me tweaked. Its hard because I don't want to feel like an idiot trying to explain myself.

When I was in high school, I was a freak. I had horrible skin,I was chubby and I couldn't get a guy to look my way if I was naked and holding a beer. There were days where I couldn't look in the mirror and see one beautiful thing about myself. I literally wished for a different face everyday. I would cry myself to sleep because I believed that nobody would ever love me or want to know me.

Things changed after I got out of high school, I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and I lost some weight and got more confidence and started to be more outgoing. I started getting a lot of attention and for a while I relished in it, I had dreamed about being called sexy and beautiful and have guys stare at me and wonder what being with me would be like. It only got better after I met my ex bf. He told me he loved me and for the first time in my life I felt like I was worth something. I know that its a sad thing to have to feel that way by the words of someone else. Since then I have never been able to take compliments the same way.

In the last little while though, I have learned that being pretty just means being pretty. People don't care about my brain or if I'm funny or kind. I'm just a cute face,body..ect. You can only love someone for being pretty for so long. Looks fade though. Thats what drives me the most crazy, the thought of being in love with a person and everything about them and thinking they feel the same way and then finding out that they were just in lust with you. I'm not saying thats what happend to me but sometimes I can't figure out what it is that guys find so damn appealing about me physically.

When people stare at my face I secretly panic wondering if they are seeing all the flaws that I used obsess over..and still do. If they see the dimples as my chubby cheeks or if they notice that zit on my chin or that my eyes are so tiny. They know it gets to me because my red face gives it away, to everyone else its cute and to me..its like being a joke and everyone else gets the punchline before me.

I lament though...I do like being told I look good when I think I do, if I've gone out of my way to dress up or just even on a day where I'm in good spirits, I don't mind hearing "You look really good today" or being told privately "Hey,by the way I think you look beautiful". I do love it but I can't just go around blowing my own horn, I know that confidence is "sexy" but I would much rather be someone who is strong and kind and cool and funny than someone who thinks they are someone really hot. I want people to be able to see something unique about me not just, "yup shes got a great ass" I think thats one of the reasons I got my nose pierced again. I did it for me, because it reminded me of a time I was content with myself.

I just wish I could find it in me to have a little peace inside. To someday be able to have the courage to believe someone when they do give me a compliemt and to know that they mean it but at the same time still know that even with out the compliment I am still a good person.

*sigh* lol...this is getting way too deep and it is far too late for me to get into. Off to bed I go.