Its almost too painful to write about and although I have "put it to rest" in my head I have a feeling that the events proceding will haunt me for a long time..although I don't know anyone who could read this,imagine themselves in the situation and think differently.

I don't really want to give explicit detail, mostly because its been hashed over so much all ready.

So the boy and I had different ideas on what taking a break meant..I thought we were taking a break and he thought we were finished. Long story short, on the third day of our "break" I accidentally found him in another girls bed. She happens to be our upstairs neighbor and someone me and my roomates considered a decent (albeit slightly slutty) person.

She lucky for her wasn't there when I discovered him and if she knows whats good for her she will never let me see her again. Anyway, much screaming ensued and he told me over and over that he didn't sleep with her. He just crashed up there because he didn't want to come home to the apt knowing I was there. I knew he was lying to me because I obviously wasn't born yesterday and her sister in law (who is a good friend of mine) heard them fucking.

I told him, I could forgive the fact that he figured we were broken up and he wanted to get back at me in a way and he was doing it out of confusion. I can't however forgive the fact that he lied about it. Plus, when I got angry at him and said things I shouldn't have said, I said them without concious thought. He knew what he was doing when he slept with her. Although he says he really isn't even sure why. He said it was quick, crappy and pretty much has no desire to have anything to do with her again.

What can I do besides take him at his word. I suppose what makes this all so hard to deal with is another secret that I have been harboring from many until recently. I am almost 5 months pregnant. I was going to have an abortion because I believed that I had no other options at the time. I am pro choice but in my heart I don't morally agree with it which is why it was so conflicting for me. I realized though that I couldn't do it and I don't know how I'm going to now but I am keeping the baby.

That might explain why I've been such a spaz as far as the boy goes and as far as my life goes.

So the boy and I are together again and he has been making an extremly good effort to change his tempered ways and be supportive and he has said that he does want to be with me and be a father. I want that more than anything but in my heart I know that someday I may have to raise this child without his help. My parents do know which has made it a little easier but really, their baby girl of the family is pregnant,not married and not financially stable. Its a little stressfully to say the least.

For now I am just trying to deal with everything the best that I can, I try to keep my own temper in check and think things through and plan a head. My boy is going to work all the way up north for a couple months which is going to make things very lonely but I will be able to write more and I think that will help.

Hope everyone out there is doing good..thanks for the support as usual..you know who you all are :)