maybe a silver lining?

I have always tended to the side of pessimism, mostly because it felt more natural in occurance with how my life seemed to go.

These days though I must say (with caution) things are getting better.

My man.. Has changed muchly for the better, he has become very paitent and I am regaining my trust in him as the days go by.

I am still worried about money but he has a good job and I know that now more than ever I can afford to stress too much, but things do still get to me.

I worry alot about becomming a mother for the first time, as my due date is only a few short months away. I confess, I was going to have an abortion when I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared and confused and felt that I had no other real options. Comming from a conservative Catholic family will do that to you. I was also torn about it for that reason. Abortions is believed by the catholics to be one of the worst immaginable sins. So after a few months I made the difficult and life altering choice. To keep my baby.

I am still scared as hell. What kind of mother will I be? I have only held 2 babies in my entire life and was the last born child of a small family. I know next to nothing about taking care of an infant. Plus up until I decided not to have the abortion I am ashamed to admit it but I went through a horribly self destructive phase that now has me wondering how much harm could I have done to my future baby?

I have had little reasureances from my doctor, the ultrasound looked good as was the babies heart beat and I am also in good shape. I quit smoking for good about 2 months ago and I also started eating better and taking care of myself.

I know that there are many woman who would want to be in my place because they think that having a baby would be accomplishing something, I kind of always thought that way too. I would- grow up,get a job,get married,have kids. Thats what it always seemed to be about. Now though I realise that I have to have it together, I can't be like all the other 20-somethings I know and go out and spend my time finding myself. I can't backpack through Europe or spend afternoons shopping for ridiculously cute and pricy high heels or sitting in a little cafe with my honey enjoying the afternoon. I am now faced with the thoughts of trips to day care, flat comfortable runners and kid friendly "family restaurants".

I am excited in many ways that I am starting a new chapter in my life, its just that I always thought that becomming a mother was almost like a prize, it means that you became that kind of person who was good enough to be bestowed with the responsibility. I know now that I still am who I am, insecurities, hopes,dreams and nightmares. Only now I face the challenge of mourning the part of myself that I will lose and celebrating what is to come.