Its almost too painful to write about and although I have "put it to rest" in my head I have a feeling that the events proceding will haunt me for a long time..although I don't know anyone who could read this,imagine themselves in the situation and think differently.

I don't really want to give explicit detail, mostly because its been hashed over so much all ready.

So the boy and I had different ideas on what taking a break meant..I thought we were taking a break and he thought we were finished. Long story short, on the third day of our "break" I accidentally found him in another girls bed. She happens to be our upstairs neighbor and someone me and my roomates considered a decent (albeit slightly slutty) person.

She lucky for her wasn't there when I discovered him and if she knows whats good for her she will never let me see her again. Anyway, much screaming ensued and he told me over and over that he didn't sleep with her. He just crashed up there because he didn't want to come home to the apt knowing I was there. I knew he was lying to me because I obviously wasn't born yesterday and her sister in law (who is a good friend of mine) heard them fucking.

I told him, I could forgive the fact that he figured we were broken up and he wanted to get back at me in a way and he was doing it out of confusion. I can't however forgive the fact that he lied about it. Plus, when I got angry at him and said things I shouldn't have said, I said them without concious thought. He knew what he was doing when he slept with her. Although he says he really isn't even sure why. He said it was quick, crappy and pretty much has no desire to have anything to do with her again.

What can I do besides take him at his word. I suppose what makes this all so hard to deal with is another secret that I have been harboring from many until recently. I am almost 5 months pregnant. I was going to have an abortion because I believed that I had no other options at the time. I am pro choice but in my heart I don't morally agree with it which is why it was so conflicting for me. I realized though that I couldn't do it and I don't know how I'm going to now but I am keeping the baby.

That might explain why I've been such a spaz as far as the boy goes and as far as my life goes.

So the boy and I are together again and he has been making an extremly good effort to change his tempered ways and be supportive and he has said that he does want to be with me and be a father. I want that more than anything but in my heart I know that someday I may have to raise this child without his help. My parents do know which has made it a little easier but really, their baby girl of the family is pregnant,not married and not financially stable. Its a little stressfully to say the least.

For now I am just trying to deal with everything the best that I can, I try to keep my own temper in check and think things through and plan a head. My boy is going to work all the way up north for a couple months which is going to make things very lonely but I will be able to write more and I think that will help.

Hope everyone out there is doing good..thanks for the support as usual..you know who you all are :)

just had a short awkward convo with the boy that was about 30 secs. He asked what I was doing, told me he was going out for coffee and I told him to call me when he got back.

You know..I'm still upset, but now I'm just angry almost. I mean really? I screwed up! okay! I know that. I'm a human being the last time I checked and that means that I make mistakes, sometimes big ones but I can't be made to suffer a thousand lifetimes just because he feels slighted. I love him, I love him more than anything in this world and he's judging one thoughtless remark against a 7 month relationship!?! Fantastic.

I always under the assumption that the problems in a relationship are from both sides and yet I feel like he's trying to play the innocent. I'm the one being antagonized and tortured and he's the one feeling like the hapless victim?

Is it worth it anymore? Is love worth it anymore?

Balance

So things are hanging in the balance still..the boy is still pissed and I'm still a wreck.

Its one day at a time, one painfully long day at a time. I even called in sick today because I had been crying mostly all day and felt like shit. Even thought I have a do nothing job I just felt like it was better to sit there and feel like crap than go to work and have to feel like crap.

I don't really want to kill myself but I can't help fantasizing different ways to kill the pain I feel. I would almost rather be dead than have the feeling like I already am inside. A walking corpse.

I tried to eat a little today, just a little bread and cheese and I've drank a lot of tea. Its funny, I'm almost getting used to not eating. I just wish I could get used to not sleeping. I think I might pass out tonight though, only because I'm pretty sure that I'm exhausted.

Today,tommorrow...the next 20 years of my life..

Have you ever said something and the minute it left your mouth you wished you could take it back?

Welcome to my shitty little world.

I got in a fight with the boy and out of my mouth came a horrendous insult that I never should have uttered and I knew it. Therefore causeing him to kick me out of his apartment and pretty much tearing a giant hole into our relationship.

I tearfully called him hours later not really knowing how many different ways to apologize for the same thing. I did the best I could in between sobs. SO today we met for coffee and he laid it out for me. He still loved me, but he was deeply hurt and needed time to think. I felt like I was being stabbed. Of course I didn't think he would forgive me just like that. But the way he was talking, it was like things were already over and he was just trying to decide if he felt like salvaging things or not.

I feel like my entire heart has been ripped out and just crushed. I'm pretty much sitting here praying I didn't loose the love of my life over a fucking mistake. I can't even put into words how important to me he is. I can't imagine spending, or wanting to spend my life with anyone else. I wanted to marry him and be the mother of his children. To think for one second that I might have just screwed that up... its worse than any punishment you could dream up. By far the worst of it is the waiting, the counting minutes until I feel like things are going to be okay.

Time seems that much longer when your waiting on it.

I haven't eaten in a day..and if things are going to be this way I would rather sit here and rot anyway. I don't want to spend one day without him. Not to mention the rest of my life.