Its been almost 2 weeks since I had my baby boy and everyday is something different.

He is so amazing sometimes I just sit and watch him, even when he's sleeping because I don't want to miss a minute of him.

Truth is though, I'm still scared shitless. I hate to hear him cry and I constantly worry that I'm going to do something wrong. There are so many things to learn about taking care of a baby. Remembering they can't do anything and they rely completely on you.

So many people tell me how brave I am for having the baby and raising it alone. I wish that were true. I have had an infection from my csection and the surgery itself has caused me to rely heavily on my parents to help me take care of him. Which I suppose isn't always a bad thing, having help. I am lucky to have it no doubt but it makes me feel helpless. I just thank God everyday that possibly one of the only right choices I made in my life was to give birth to him. I look at his little face and I think of how I could have ever possibly thought of having an abortion and it makes me feel ill.

I believe that abortion in the case of rape is a personal choice. I however knew the what the consequences of my actions could be and so I must live with the outcome. No matter what the other factors are. I am a mother now and that is my LIFE. I can't go back and change that and I don't want to.

That doesn't mean I'm not angry. Not because of my son but because of him. He called himself a man. He said he would be there and he's missed it all. I have a feeling he's going to keep missing it and for that I hate him.

I don't say that word in reference to a person very often. In fact in my life there are under a handfull of people I think I have ever really meant that about. He is one of them. I hate him. I hate what he became, or maybe what he was all along. I hate him for being so selfish that he couldn't once put anyones needs ahead of his own. I hate him because I will never love anyone the same ever again and its sad I wasted so much time and energy on him.


I still have my pride though, my son. He is my entire world and I will do anything to protect him and raise him to be a good man. TO anyone who thinks they want a baby or might be pregnant I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you to do it for the right reasons. Once again those reasons are different for everyone. I don't think I'm perfect or that I've done everything the best way. But I feel they were for the right reasons and somedays I want to just breakdown and cry but I'm trying. I also know that I always have support and I can't give up now.

Its not over till the fat baby sings...lol

Well folks.. It looks like this is the end..for now.

I am going to be on a hiatus of sorts for those of you that are in the know.

I am having a baby!!! Sooner than I thought apperantly. My obgyn wants to induce me on Wednesday. Thats 2 weeks before my suggested due date but I'm at 38 weeks which is considered full term and he figures why bother with another 2 weeks.

So after checking my cervix, which is done internally and without being bought dinner first (ow much!!!) he decided it was soft and ready. Great? I guess.

So little Cash David will make his way into the world on Wednesday..well hopefully the same day. If I'm going to be in labor for more than some hours..I better have me some damn good drugs.

I'm really gonnna miss being able to post for a while but hopefully all my friends will keep their blogs up and keep sending emails. I'll try to get on in a few weeks to give an update. As usual I wish everyone well and want everyone to keep reaching for that star lol

Much love to all!

now or later?

On one hand I cannot wait..I repeat I cannot wait to get this baby born. The constant movement, the exhaustion cause by going up stairs..its getting really on my nerves. I'm just one of those people that hates to sit still. Actually thats not true. I love to be lazy, I love to take long baths and lay on the couch. However being pregnant is like being feeble. You can't do anything after a while. Shaving is quickly becomming a task not worth the contortion.

On the other hand though. I might not care if I stayed pregnant because I know its going to be ten times harder when I do have the baby. Last night as I layed in bed I practically had a panick attack thinking about my little boy growing up. All the things I'm going to be responsible for teaching him, walking,talking, the day he goes to school and has friends other than me and then those teen years where they always hate you and curse you for thier "retched" exsistance. He's not even born yet and I already feel like I've failed.

So I've got my bpp (biophysical profile) tommorrow at the hospital and its really frustrating because I don't know exactly why they want to run all these tests and how it is going to affect my birth or my baby,..which I have about 4 weeks left until the due date. Could be sooner though..who knows. I'm just exhausted all the time. My ex isn't helping matters.

Heard from him last week and he still loves me yada yada but I have a feeling that he's not too wounded at all. He said he would call a few days ago..Which never happend. Heard from him again last night and he blamed it on a work delay and said he would txt later. Not to anyones surprise he didn't. I'm just sick and tired of it all. I don't know why I'm trying so hard to hold onto something that evendently doesn't want to be held. I guess things have just been so hard that I would rather put up with his bullshit than feel like I have nothing. Its lame but true.

Then there is my other ex who still wants to have sex with me and would do so at pretty much any given oppourtunity but its really the last thing on my mind right now and looks to be that way for a while. If I wasn't pregnant I probably would have slept with him just for something to do. That hardly sounds fair to him but he's not the type that would take something like that personally. Its weird..with him and I all of our feelings are entertwined yet seperate when need be. I guess we use each other based on how much we need each other at that particular time. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway I'm more or less just trying to find ways to pass the hours..which seem painfully long no matter what I'm doing. It is always nice to hear about others though and I send them good thoughts..I also send my thanks as well. It is true how it often doesn't seem like enough but sometimes its the most simple to express.