Its been almost 2 weeks since I had my baby boy and everyday is something different.

He is so amazing sometimes I just sit and watch him, even when he's sleeping because I don't want to miss a minute of him.

Truth is though, I'm still scared shitless. I hate to hear him cry and I constantly worry that I'm going to do something wrong. There are so many things to learn about taking care of a baby. Remembering they can't do anything and they rely completely on you.

So many people tell me how brave I am for having the baby and raising it alone. I wish that were true. I have had an infection from my csection and the surgery itself has caused me to rely heavily on my parents to help me take care of him. Which I suppose isn't always a bad thing, having help. I am lucky to have it no doubt but it makes me feel helpless. I just thank God everyday that possibly one of the only right choices I made in my life was to give birth to him. I look at his little face and I think of how I could have ever possibly thought of having an abortion and it makes me feel ill.

I believe that abortion in the case of rape is a personal choice. I however knew the what the consequences of my actions could be and so I must live with the outcome. No matter what the other factors are. I am a mother now and that is my LIFE. I can't go back and change that and I don't want to.

That doesn't mean I'm not angry. Not because of my son but because of him. He called himself a man. He said he would be there and he's missed it all. I have a feeling he's going to keep missing it and for that I hate him.

I don't say that word in reference to a person very often. In fact in my life there are under a handfull of people I think I have ever really meant that about. He is one of them. I hate him. I hate what he became, or maybe what he was all along. I hate him for being so selfish that he couldn't once put anyones needs ahead of his own. I hate him because I will never love anyone the same ever again and its sad I wasted so much time and energy on him.


I still have my pride though, my son. He is my entire world and I will do anything to protect him and raise him to be a good man. TO anyone who thinks they want a baby or might be pregnant I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you to do it for the right reasons. Once again those reasons are different for everyone. I don't think I'm perfect or that I've done everything the best way. But I feel they were for the right reasons and somedays I want to just breakdown and cry but I'm trying. I also know that I always have support and I can't give up now.