I feel like some kind of addict going through withdrawls. Somedays i want to scream and pound the walls and fall onto the floor in tears. Other days I think I might just being doing better, that I just might make it if I can hold out for one more hour and then one more day.

I'm screwed up. I know this. I don't want to admit it but I am. Severly.

My ex wants to have rebound sex and there is a little portion of my brain that goes "Go ahead, you have nothing to loose now. Who cares, it feels good and it will pass the time. He didn't have a problem screwing around why should you."

At that same instance though, I'm thinking about the boy. The way he looks, the way he smells, the way he touched me. The same way he was touching someone else. It makes me feel sick. Did he mean any of it?

I know I should stop pulling out my hair..literally. I keep telling myself that I'm getting the split ends but little patches of hair don't all have split ends. Its almost like a sick release to pull it out, its just another thing to keep me from crying. I wish I could just have the baby already. I know it sounds horrible but I just want my body back . I want want that part of him out of me. Its like having two broken hearts instead of one. I love my baby because its mine. I am its mother and I am the one thats going to be there. I don't even know if I want the boy around anymore. I can stand the thought that he might never be a constant in my life, but don't do that to my baby. A father is not a part time job. I don't want him bouncing in and out of its life like a yoyo.