proFUNity...

A friends dad once told me that common words were for common people. In other words, if you swear its because your not smart enough to come up with a better word. Well I only have one thing to say to him. "Go fuck yourself."

Okay, okay..in all seriousness I know that swearing constantly is kind of uncouth and I know that I am guilty of doing it far more often that I should. Especially when I am angry or surprised. For example "Are you fucking serious?" or "Well ain't that some shit!" Sometimes you could think of a million better words but only those would do.

There are times when swearing isn't appropriate, like church or infront of grandma...unless you have one of "those" grandmas. Even if you do though, there are rules when swearing infront of her. They are as follows:(these rules apply to most old people you may be swearing infront of)

1) Do not say the word "Fuck". Fuck is considered the pottiest of the most common swear words. Therefore harder to get away with in most settings.

2) Bitch, is easiest to let slip during grandma's soaps. Such as "Maddie slept with her bestfriends husband while they were supposed to be looking after those orphans? That BITCH!" Grandma will most likely nod in agreement and then hush you so she doesn't miss anything.

3) Some swear words can be slipped into conversations as a way to make them more lively. Example: "Grandpa tell me about the time you gave all those commies an ass-whoopin!" These kind of insertions are especially effective as they are likely to excite grandpa and may even encourage him to swear as well!

I would also like to address the issue of what I like to call "Swearing Alternatives" some people think that these clever substitutions are better than swearing but they really aren't. If you can't say the real word, don't say anything. Your weak attempt to "clean it up" just makes you look like an idiot. After all, we all know what you really wanted to say and you'll lose respect because you didn't have the cojones to say it.

A short list of these "sissy substitutions" include: Frickin/friggin/freakin,Effin,Fudge,uckfay, Shat *you get half points because I suppose it is slang for shit* Arse *also may get half points* A-hole (taking out 2 letters doesn't make it ok!) Beeyotch or Biotch (am guilty of this one but I realize it does sound stupid) other "sissy subs" include any word you may use in place of a swear that has no relevant meanings whatsoever, like "Kerfluffle" or "Fiddlesticks!" What the fuck is a fiddlestick?! * A shiny gold star if anyone knows*

Now there are some swear words that should just not be said, by anyone, ever! Actually they are a combination of swear/slang words..but they are still bad enough that I have literally seen people get severly beaten at their mere utterance. Usually the people saying them deserved what they got. Yup they are that bad. Now some of you will present the "Words are just words, why get so uptight" argument. Well I can't really say what it is about these words that make them so hard to ignore except that they have a way of getting to the soul of most people. Yes words are words but they still carry weight in certain contexts and even the stiffiest lip would have trouble ignoring them.

I'm not going to go saying them just for the sake of having them in print, I'm sure that if your over the age of like 13 and watched an r-rated movie,listened to a rap song or hung out at the mall for an hour chances are you have already been exposed to one or more of these "forbidden swears". The next time you may be tempted to use a loaded word like that stop and think.."Would I deserve an eternal wedgie for saying this?" If you think the answer might be yes don't say it. If you do say if, you may want to notify the hospital of your arrival because chances are...
Your in for one hell of an ass-whoopin.

Well seeing as how I'm tired and run out of steam I'm going to wrap up this little rant. Hope you all learned something spiffy today. Be safe and remember, please swear responsibly.