*sigh* cursed with a case of the verbal shits.

So I've been feeling kinda pissy lately because it feels like the only times my friends call anymore is when they want to bitch about something and then thats it. It really sucks because they don't realize that the shit they are bitching about, I would love to be able to complain about. Stuff like their jobs,relationships and other friends. Right now I don't have any of that. I am at home recovering from major surgery and taking care of my son.

Don't get me wrong, I love my little guy and I like being a mom but because of the surgery I can't do the things I wanna do and its really, really hard. Its frustrating because I can relate to my friends problems because I used to have the same ones but now it seems like nobody can relate to me because they have never been in this situation. I'm always the friend that other friends know they can trust and lean on for support so I never want to breakdown.

Sometimes though, my internalized frustrations seep out at the worst times. Like today for example: I've been really worried about a close friend of mine because he's been through a lot with his relationships lately and with becomming a new dad I know how much of a mind fuck stuff like that can be. One minute you think your fine and the next your wondering what the hell your going to do. I'll admit I was a little pissed at him that he was thinking about getting back together with his ex, only because when he was with her he told me how unhappy he was getting and the fact that neither of them sounded very commited anymore made me feel really sad for him. I was relieved when they broke up (no I was not happy because I don't like her, I've never even met her and I'm sure she is nice enough) but I was happy because he seemed happier. So yeah it kinda made me wonder why the hell he would want to get back with her if he was so unhappy in the first place.

Also making me a little bitchy was the fact that when he was with her he was flirting with me and I felt kinda cheap, like I'm good enough to flirt with when your bored with your girlfriend but as soon as your single he barely had time to even talk to me. I know that he would never do something like that intentionally but after being screwed around by my exfiance I believe you are either faithful in a relationship or stay single until you are ready for one.

But instead of just telling him all that and how I felt honestly I went on a rant and took some low blow shots that weren't really fair. I feel pretty bad that I took out my frustrations on him. I didn't know it but I guess he was having a bad day already and didn't need me chewing him out on top of everything. If I had known I would have surely kept my mouth shut...
Anyway I'm hurt that he feels like I betrayed his confidence, because that is the last thing I would want to do. He is a really good person and I do want him to be happy but I suppose if I want to be a good friend I have to just sit back and let him do what he wants to do. It would be nice to know that my friendship did matter sometimes but on the other hand if he wanted my opinions or advice I guess he would ask for them.

So I guess from now on I will keep my piehole shut and keep my feelings to myself. I would rather just keep it in than risk hurting someone I love. Besides I don't have a lot of true friends and I don't want to loose the ones I have.