so hard...

So I found out today that I am having a baby boy...I'm having what I figured I was having all along.

I had a long fight with the parents again today about the boy. I just hate it, fighting with them about him because I know they are right about most of what they say about him but on the other hand I can't change who he is and I can't change what he did. I also can't change the fact that he is the dad.

Its just so hard because never in a million years did I think this would be how my life would turn out. That I would be another statistic. Another single mother with the babies dead beat daddy.

hmmm..

3 days grace- "I hate everything about you" ( so why do I still love you)

So the jerk (formerly known as the boy) texted me the other day to say that he was still alive and that he would be down in a few weeks and we would talk then.

I resisted txting back all the snarky replies that were running through my head but I was seething.

Like his casual message was supposed to make up for completely disapearing? Also what could we possibly have left to talk about? Of course there are things I would like to say, plently of four letter words that would come with reckless abandon. "What would be the point?" i wondered suddenly to myself, of once again ripping open my wounds just to have it go in one ear and out the other.
What do I really want to hear from him and would it really change anything. I think I'm starting to realise that I need to wake up. That he's not wallowing in misery and probably not having trouble sleeping at night. Even if he was, why should I care? He broke my heart! Why beat my head against a wall by still loving him.

What could he possibly have to say to me? Anything he would say at this point he would have to know that I would just dismiss as more lies. As far as "his" kid goes I don't even know what to say. He can say he wants to be apart of his life but I'm not gonna play by his rules, fuck that. I also highly doubt he has a (legal) job so thats gonna piss me off even more because its like he's gonna sit there going off about how he has a right to see and raise his kid but he doesn't have the responsibility to go get a job and support it? How much goddamn sense does that make?

Is this what its always going to be like? Is there any real men left out there? I'm not bagging on men, see I know there are good men out there it just seems like they are either taken or they start out good and then just go absolutly fucked. It seems like they are afraid to be with a good woman. Like its impossible to find a woman who is strong yet goofy, loyal and better than their horrible exgf was. Men I date always tell me that I am the closest thing to perfect and it scares the hell out of them...BUH??? So I'm suppose to be a bitch? Is that it?

I wish I could figure this out so maybe I can figure out how to not get myself into this crap again..and again...

There is a girl I know, well I don't really know her. I guess I could say I know "of" her. Anyway there is a girl who I want to say something very important to. She will know who she is when she reads this.

I like you.

No, I don't mean that in a sexual way. I like boys very very much. This kind of like is not about that.

Now she may read this and say, "well that was awful nice of her, she seems like a good person and I like her too".

I urge this girl to first read what I have written and then think about what the words "I like you" really mean.

I like you because you are who you are, I like you because you are like nobody else. I like you because you are more than just a daughter or a fat friend or a skinny friend or a pen pal of sorts. I like you because you have faith in a higher power and even though sometimes you don't always hear him you still believe in him.

I wish that more people in your life could have just told you this, I wish more people could have shown you unconditional love and friendship instead of burdening you with their own insecurities and fears. I wish you could draw all the power you have inside your soul to fight back. I wish you could look the demon in the eyes and tell it that it won't control you anymore. It is not your power over yourself. It is its power over you. It will kill you if you allow it. You know the demon that I speak of.

I wish you could claim your spirit back for you. I wish that the truth could set you free after all the years you must have spent exhausting yourself pretending and hiding and feeling ashamed. I wish you could enjoy the life HE gave you. To not see food as the enemy, to not see yourself as the enemy. I wish your tears could release your pain but also give you hope.

I may not know exactly what to believe about HIM or exactly what you believe but I know that this is not what he wants for you and that you know it in your heart. I hope that maybe if you know even one person likes you, it may give you something inside to like yourself. I am afraid for you. I can't say that I was where you are for the same reasons but I recognize it just the same and that makes me afraid. I don't want to see you get lost so far that you don't come back. I know that may not be as important comming from me as it would be from a parent or a best friend. In my heart though I believe that you are someone who deserves to just BE.

because I like you.

I feel like some kind of addict going through withdrawls. Somedays i want to scream and pound the walls and fall onto the floor in tears. Other days I think I might just being doing better, that I just might make it if I can hold out for one more hour and then one more day.

I'm screwed up. I know this. I don't want to admit it but I am. Severly.

My ex wants to have rebound sex and there is a little portion of my brain that goes "Go ahead, you have nothing to loose now. Who cares, it feels good and it will pass the time. He didn't have a problem screwing around why should you."

At that same instance though, I'm thinking about the boy. The way he looks, the way he smells, the way he touched me. The same way he was touching someone else. It makes me feel sick. Did he mean any of it?

I know I should stop pulling out my hair..literally. I keep telling myself that I'm getting the split ends but little patches of hair don't all have split ends. Its almost like a sick release to pull it out, its just another thing to keep me from crying. I wish I could just have the baby already. I know it sounds horrible but I just want my body back . I want want that part of him out of me. Its like having two broken hearts instead of one. I love my baby because its mine. I am its mother and I am the one thats going to be there. I don't even know if I want the boy around anymore. I can stand the thought that he might never be a constant in my life, but don't do that to my baby. A father is not a part time job. I don't want him bouncing in and out of its life like a yoyo.

God help me.

Its not so much an exclaimation as it is a desprate plea. God.help.me.

I go back and forth between being so furiously angry and so horribly heart broken. When will it stop? When can I quit crying myself to sleep? When can I quit hating him? When can I quit hating myself.

On one hand I know I have so much to live for but on the other I can't help but feel like I have nothing for myself, to live for.

I want so badly to scream at him, to strike him over and over and over. I want to see his pain. I want him to love me as badly as I loved him and I want him to know how much it hurts. I believe there is such a thing as karma and I can't say I don't relish to see the day.. just a little.. that his mistakes come back to him 3 fold.

There I go--thinking of you again

[Chorus]
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I puke
You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you

I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little poem
But ? would probably be a little more, more suitable for this type of song--whoa
I got a million reasons off the top of my head that I could think of
Sixteen bars, this ain't enough to put some ink ta
So fuck it, I'ma start right here by just be brief-a
Bout to rattle off some other reasons
I knew I shouldn't go and get another tattoo of you
On my arm, but what do I go and do
I go and get another one, now I got two
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
I'm sittin' here with your name on my skin
I can't believe I went and did this stupid shit again
My next girlfriend, now her name's gotta be Kim
Shi-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii-it
If you only knew how much I hated you
For every motherfuckin' thing you ever put us through
Then I wouldn't be standing here crying over you
Boo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-who

[Chorus]
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I puke
You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you

I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little letter
But I thought a song would probably be a little better
Instead of a letter
That you'd probably just shred up--yeah
I stumbled on your picture yesterday and it made me stop and think of
How much of a waste it'd be for me to put some ink ta, a stupid piece a
Paper, I'd rather let you see how
Much I fuckin' hate you in a freestyle
You're a fuckin' cokein' slut, I hope you fuckin' die
I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye
I hate your fuckin' guts, you fuckin' slut, I hope you die
Di-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii-ie
But please don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter or mad
It's not that I still love you, it's not 'cause I want you back
It's just that when I think of you, it makes me wanna
gag-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-ag
What else can I do, I haven't got a clue
Now I guess I'll just move on, I have no choice but to
But every time I think of you now, I'll I wanna do
Is pu-uu-uu-uu-uu-uu-uke

[Chorus]
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I puke
You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you, I puke

Fuckin' bitch

I know that Eminem wrote this about Kim but it kinda fits how I feel about my ex right now. I will never understand how a man could have everything any man ever dreams about having and then just throws it all away. He could have had the things that most people would kill for. A faithfull woman who would have done anything for him, a beautiful newborn baby, a good job, a home...a life. All just gone...for what?

Fuck you
you make me sick to my stomach..I think about all I've done for you and how true I've been and you just screwed it all up
you wrecked my life and I fucking hate you and I wish you would suffer as much as I have and I can't think of a fate bad enough for you. I hope you rot in the hell you create for yourself.

I tried to fix you, I tried to be your salvation and all you did was break me and leave me to pick up what was left. You impregnated me and now you run like a coward. Your not a man..you run to those other sluts because they don't care how dirty you are because they are dirtier. I hope you like your flithly little life now. I hope your drugs and your lies keep you warm at night and I hope the guilt festers inside you tearing at you slowly everyday and by the time you realized what you lost it will be too late.

Tell yourself how you tried to change..blame it on circumstance and the stars being against you. Tell yourself that your a father and a son, tell yourself its not all cuz of what you've done.

I never cheated on you but sometime I wish I had just so I could throw it in your face but I'm better than that. I was faithfull and I was true which is more than can be said for you. All those guys you were so worried about were just friends and nothing more but you had the nerve to call me the whore. Fuck you, your nothing to me now. Your such a bully, you think your so tough but your just a child you have to push around a girl to think your so big. I see right through you though, your a scared little boy. I pray that your child won't grow to be like you and I pray that they will know you for who you really are and someday they will see what you did to me.