So as most of you may have noticed I haven't been posting much and the posts I do are kinda shitty.

I think I've just lost my inspiration. I write best when I'm really happy or really angry and right now I'm really neither haha.

I've gotten apathetic but I think its the only way I can deal with my interalized feelings right now. The passion is gone I tell you!!! *obviously the drama is still there*

Maybe I just need to get laid. LOL.

Does anyone ever wonder if other people wonder about them? I do, I wonder if people are ever just sitting there and go "I wonder what shes doing" or "I wish she was here" I guess for the amount I wonder about other people it would be nice to know someone was thinking about me.

Theres a saying, "Is it better to be completely forgotten or hatefully remembered?" Sometimes I'm not sure although I would probably want to be forgotten. I suppose it wouldn't really matter though because I would be gone either way lol.

Anyways..sorry that things are so few and far between. I still read just about everyone elses blogs and am always interested by the crazy things everyone has to talk about.

~K~

Effin rights Doggy....

I know its been over a week since my last post. I've had a lot on my plate lately.

You know when you think about something so much that the thought of actually putting it down on paper makes you sick? Thats kinda what I've been doing.


I'm thinking I'm going to look into going to therapy, yeah yeah I know I've said it before that I personally don't believe in it but shit is getting to thick for me. I just don't know what good telling everything to another person who knows absolutly nothing about me will do. That was kinda the point of this blog. I would vent out my side and my feelings and not have to care what anyone else said or thought. Those who know me, know me and those who don't can either get to know me or click on the next blog button.

I guess I'm just getting worn down by my ex. I do this every single time he comes around talking his talk. I know its just talk but it doesn't make it any easier. Everyone has one of those, the ex that you know is absolutly toxic and you should just cut them out of your life but for some reason your resolve just melts everytime they call. Its almost like a having a multiple personality. Reading him write that he still loves me gets to me just a little in my heart but on the other hand I want to just scream and punch my monitor because if he really loved me he wouldn't have done all the things he's done.

Dammit... getting way to emotional here. Time to reign it in.

So I probably won't go to a therapist. I really don't have the money lol.

I feel like pooties. *thats the word we use for Cash's poops*

I have yet another sinus infection and possibly strep throat too! I swear I almost threw up on the doctor when he took a swab from the back of my throat. I know what your all thinking...shut up I'm out of practice okay!!!

MY whole head feels like its on fire and the rest of me is frozen solid, I had to put the space heater in my room.

Cash is sick too which is super sucky because he can't even take pills, he just has to suck it up. I do however enjoy the fact that he wants to cuddle because he doesn't feel good. He smells so good *its a baby thing* and I could sit and listen to him chatter all night...but I won't because I'm feeling like crud.

I have nothing else to blog about as there has been nothing of intrest lately...I should expect that would mean something crazy exciting is going to happen to me really soon.

Wow, its been a really slow life lately! nothing of intrest worth writing about= nothing of intrest worth reading about.

Although I did buy and have yet to finish watching "The Transporter 2" I still lust for Jason's hot body and charming manner but I have to say the first one was better.

I need to get laid..no actually I need intimacy which is different. I don't really care about sex. But I want someone to be close to and then have sex with. That came out sounding funnier than I entended. MEH!

Happy Turkey day to all my Canadian peeps!

Even if your not Canadian I'm thankful to have you all as blogger buds and I'm thankful for my wonderful son. I'm also thankful for caramel machiattos from Starbucks, bubble baths and wine.

Sigh...

My exfiance did his bi-monthly reach out and touch me thing... He sent me an email filled with mostly the same stuff he always says.. That he's a fool for doing all the things he did,that I must hate his guts, how his life has gone to shit and he'll do anything to make things right and maybe some day get me back.

Delusional much??

Its just getting repetitive, I like to tell him that I don't hate him *to make him feel worse* because I can't be the judge of his fuck ups *but God can!*

I tell him that I still have no intrest in ever being with him again because I will never trust him *or his lying ass* and if he ever wants to have any kind of contact with his son he has to shape up his act. Which he always swears up and down that he's going to do *which remains to yet be seen, keep in mind he was cheating before the baby was even born!*

Basically he's nothing more than a mild annoyance in my life right now because I know how its going to go. He'll shape up for maybe a month or two and then he'll fuck it up again and i won't hear from him for a few months and then he'll pop back in ect.

I will admit that I know its petty but when I read in his email that the whore he was shacked up with took off with all his money and is getting him evicted...I laughed. I know that makes me kind of a bad person but I believe in Karma...


Anyway I'm heading to bed because my stomach doesn't feel very good *damn you tasty thai salad* and I want to get in a few Zzzz's in case Cash decides that he wants a bottle in the middle of the night. He's so spoiled lol. But its okay because it just proves if your that cute you can get anything you want!!!

Wishing to be the friction in your jeans.....(long post,beware)

Songs of the day : Fidelity-Regina Spektor, Tear drop- Massive attack *I would love to make out to this song*, Find out-Classified.

Went out to dinner tonight with a couple girl friends of mine from high school, had a good time. I had wine and we gossiped *of course* and I did the chick thing for a night. It was a nice reminder that I'm still a woman. I know that sounds silly but when all your used to doing is sitting around in sweat pants and a tank top looking after a baby you tend to loose your sensuality

We talked about our jobs, people we still talk to from high school, relationships..and yes SEX! lol. It was funny because I was the oldest at the table but out of the 3 of us the last to loose my V-card and yet I've had the most partners *I swear I'm not slutty my number isn't even in the double digits* and I'm also the most adventurous or as my friend put it "Freaky deeky"

I found this funny because I don't think theres anything wrong with that at all. If your with someone and your supposed to trust someone and you really care about them why wouldn't you want to be passionate and uninhibited. Why would you hold back? Your already having sex. Sex to me is more than just intercourse its a complete experiance. If I really care about my mate I don't want it to just be good. I want freakin nirvana. If that means getting a little wild and crazy. So be it. As long as its cool with both of us lol..some surprises are bad :P

But as I said to the girls I've been lucky to have had mostly wonderful partners *some just sexually speaking and some were both great people and great in the sack* and there are a few I wish I hadn't and theres always the one that got away....

They also thought it was surprising that I've kissed a few girls in my day, Really? I didn't think it was that taboo anymore. Although I think half of the surprise was that the girl was a very conservative religious girl. *She came on to me!!!* I don't think its that big of a deal. I wanted to know what kissing a girl was like and she wanted to kiss me *deep down she had a girl crush on me* and we wanted to get the attention of our boyfriends. They thought it was awesome, me not so much. I don't like kissing girls, too soft. My bf at the time had a disposable camera and still has the pictures, although I'm pretty sure his girlfriend wouldn't like it if those went up on the wall haha.

Hmmm switching gears here, I had a dream last night that I was at a karoke bar with one of my ex bf's whom I've been dreaming about a lot lately and he was singing. I don't know if I've ever heard him "sing" sing but he was good in my dream. Now I'm curious to know if he can actually sing. I wouldn't be surprised if he could, he's amazing at just about everything else..including making me feel like a shy little school girl everytime I see him LOL. Its so ridiculous how much of a crush I have on him and he knows it. But I know nothings ever gonna happen and I'm pretty cool with it. It just makes me sad in a variety of different places :P I'm so fucking romantic, whats not to love???? (rhetorical m'kay!)


I'm happy right now and I have no idea why. Its a little alarming, although Kiki told me that if I question my sanity I'm probably not crazy (Thanks Keeks!) It's almost like an odd feeling of uncertain optimism. I don't know that everythings going to be okay, I feel somedays like the biggest failure (mother, lover, friend) but its like theres this little voice inside me that says, "You know better than that. You were failed but that doesn't make you a failure" So I guess as long as the voice isn't a leprachaun telling me to burn things, I must be okay..Right?.. RIGHT?

Ewww, I hate it when my C-section scar itches because then I have to scratch it. Now you might be wondering whats so odd about that and why it would matter. WEll as you may or may not remember *depending on how long you've been reading* I had the area cut open not once, but twice and cutting and recutting through muscles and nerves did a little damage and I now have some perma semi numbness around there. So everytime I scratch that general area it feels funny. Not in a haha way.

Holy Crap..I've been blogging about nothing for almost an hour. The wine has done its trick into relaxing me though so I think I'm going put on something nice *albet functional in case I have to get up, satin jammies* and go to bed.

Everyone sleep tight and don't forget to show me some comment love.

*kisses*