It was an average day to everyone but him. The sun was rising and the rays of light seemed to only illuminnate those differences he saw. As he dressed and went about his quiet morning routine he thought about the events that had shaped and molded him up to this day. He recalled his childhood and growing up. A small town boy moved to the big city. A life so ordinary. Ordinary except for one small detail. This small town boy knew of big things.

He was never really sure of when he knew, even as a boy he had an inkling that this would happen. Of course growing up he was constantly baraged with the idea of it. Televisions blared it, radios,his teachers,friends,even his faith tested him by it. It was an unescapable truth. The problem was only he realize just how powerful the truth was.

He looked up at the clock and decided that he should go out and and once again take his place in the world. Usually he would be grabbing his coffee on the way out as he would hurriedly make his way to work. Not today though. Everyday before this one he had dedicated his life to his routine. To his work, his family,lovers and friends he spent a great deal of time meticulously living out his 35 years. He made sure to catalouge every memory as he knew that someday he would recall them all in a single instant and that they would prove to give him the substance to prove his very exsistance.

So outside he made his way to take in the sights before and beyond him. He watched everything with a keen observance, making sure to take in not only the sights but the smells and sounds. He noticed that all the regular cliches were present, children laughing and playing , a bee landing in a near by rose bush, dogs barking. Yet to him they were no longer just cliches of everyday life. They were life itself and everyone else was just going about things and missing them completely. Soon though, he supposed it wasn't going to really matter. No, it wouldn't matter to them much at all.

A small continuation..all I had time for today...

He went about the day like this and it seemed his concentration intensified with the passing of time. He laughed to himself as he realized the day was nearly over. The concept of time was such a silly thing really, In the begining it was calculated by the rise and fall of the sun,then the sand dials and eventually clocks. Time had been disected into segments as a way of marking the progresses of man. Well as far as man could be marked. Also since the begining of man the argument about his very exsistance has been on going. There are the scientists and there are the religious. One says it was evolution that created man,who in turn created time. The other says that time exsisted before man and both were created by God. The only other argument more popular than how man came to be is how he would come to end.

He made his way back to his home and saw that the sun was begining to dip below the horizon only to make its rise on the other side of the world. One day ends and another begins. One side sleeps and the other rises. Continual. Taking a lader from the garage he leaned it carefully up the side of the house and made his way up to the roof. It was almost dusk now and looking up at the sky he could see the slight twinkling of early stars as they were lit up by the comming darkness. He felt a slight chill, which he knew was not from the cool air that had begun to blow but comming from inside him.

Well, my abcess isn't healing as good as what my doctor had hoped. So he wants to send me to see a plastic surgeon. I asked if he could throw in a free tummy tuck... he said no. So I'm hoping I won't need surgery again.

Hey..today is Tuesday isn't it? Oh, I wonder if "Miami Ink" is on tonight. I love that show. It combines a couple of my favorite things, tattoos and hot guys. *Ami James is my favorite, he's got the bad boy with the hearto'gold thing going on.*

Seeing as how I have nothing more interesting to say I shall leave now. hmm I miss doing my fictional writing..maybe I'll do that one of these days.

Okay, I got tagged..so I shall respond. I used Swollen Members Titles.
1.Are you male or female?: Lady Venom
2. Describe yourself: Go For Mine
3. How do some people feel about you: Agression
4. How do you feel about yourself: Flawless *yeah right*
5. Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend:Bad Dreams
6. Describe your current significant other:New Details
7. Describe where you want to be: Deep End
8. Describe how you live:Breathe
9. Describe how you love:S&M On the Rocks
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish:Red Dragon
11. Share a few words of wisdom: Brace Yourself
12. Now say goodbye: Bottom Line

Java,java,java..kiss me you fool.

Song o'the day: She laughed at me: Driver


My mom is awesome...for many reasons of course but right at this second its because she brought me a venti Caramel Machiatto from Starbucks. I'm on my way to a coffee high! yay :)

Question of the day: weirest/coolest places you've ever done the deed?

For me, I couldn't narrow down the weirdest (sad hey?) but some of them include, on the side of a very steep hill (in the coulies) a bathroom in a crowed beach, in the backseat of a car in a police station parking lot (yeah I'm a bad ass) One of the coolest places was in the V.I.P suite of a very fancy hotel. This room was swank. Jacuzzi tub, bar/fridge, double sinks,huge king sized bed. For one night I felt like a celebrity, a rich sexed up celebrity hehe.

Although that was something I did for my ex, I took him to dinner, I payed for the room and I gave him the best night ever. Someday I would like to have it done for me. With the obligitory flowers and candles dammit. Anyway leave your places and we'll see who gets the gold star for the best/weirdest.

untitled

K, this is a poem type thingy I wrote to vent about my ex. Its not fab but I like it. enjoy..or don't..:P


I'm the kim to your eminem
I don't think I could go through this shit again
all the crazy nights and all our crazy fights
All I wanted to do was love you
you scream at me till I shove you
but you knew I put no man above you
You say its yours and I say its mine
we both keep working each other
till we both loose our minds
I couldn't tame the dog within
but you had to make the switch
I guess a dog is never faithfull to just one bitch.

Will there ever be a chapter 2?
could I ever find a way to?
Is trust for you something I can do?
Everyday I thank God I'm still breathing
I finally found a way to slow the bleeding
caused by you up and leaving.

fucked
A new development in the^ life of me...

So my ex actually called me..His story is that he's been in the hospital and he has some kind of funky infection and thats why he's not here yet and thats why he hasn't called. I don't really know if I buy it. He said he's going to come as soon as he can...why do I feel like singing "Tommorrow" by Annie everytime I talk to him? Its so retarded because I want to scream at him that he's full of bullshit and to leave me alone..but I don't. I think its just easier for me to believe him. I guess the saying "ignorance is bliss" is kind of true.

So we talked for a bit and then I had to go and before he hangs up he says "Give Cash a hug and a kiss for me and tell him I love him....and I love you too" All I could bring myself to say was ok.

The messed up thing is, everytime he says that I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin but I still feel love for him in my heart .

cute..but a little crazy.

song(s) o'the day:Your boyfriend sucks-The Ataris (before they sold out thankyouverymuch)

M'kay...I'm over my pity party and back to my usual bitching and moaning :) yay!

Every once in a while I wish I could be a little less...ordinary and a little more bad ass. These are the days I usually wear my leather jacket and secretly fantasize about burning down the hell hole I used to work in. Not with people inside, just the building would be sufficient. I also tend to listen to moody music. Basically anything angst ridden. A small compository of my soundtrack...

1) nobody loves me- portish head
2)jeremy-pearl jam
3) march of the pigs- N.I.N
4) 1# crush-garbage (this may not be in the 90's but its a good song)
5)Down in a hole- alice in chains
6) I loved you, so what- ani defranco
7) criminal-fiona apple *thats for u Laurie ;)*
8)only hurts when I breathe-green wheel
9)change-deftones
10)crazy-kidney thieves


Sometimes I wish I had more girl friends, chicks that I could go out with for drinks or shopping to the mall or just crusing on a nice summer day. I only really have one girl friend out of the bunch and we aren't that close because she comes from a really disfunctional family (jerry springer disfunctional) and I try to be there for here as much as I can but that much drama is just too much sometimes. So I basically have my guy friends and my parents. I just find it hard to get along with a lot of girls because they always seem so petty and fake. Its like as soon as theres guys around its some kind of sick jealousy and they usually hate me because I tend to be one of the boys.

I have to give props to a few chicks like "The girl you know" (KD!) and Laurie and my high school bff Jenna. These girlies are the types of girls that are easy to get along with and aren't worried about keeping up "apperances".


okay....I'm done for a while.

Be forwarned...I'm about to bitch about my sucky love life, so if you don't want to read a pathetic piece of pity writing..skip this blog and go to the next one. If you choose to read it and leave me a comment that says something like "get over it you lameo" I will be forced to find out where you live and leave a flaming bag of fecal matter on your door step...that'll learn ya. *Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for any damages that said bag of matter may cause and by reading the following you waive all rights to file any legal action...ect.*

So a couple days my ex got back in contact with me and told me that he would be comming back to the city to see me and his son. I thought to myself "Yeah right how many times have I heard this before". I did my best to keep thinking that but he was so insistant this time. He also pulled out the, "I still love you and I miss you and I miss not being about to see the baby." I still kept on my game face and didn't tell him I loved him back but I could tell I was starting to crack. Maybe, just maybe this time he'll actually show up...I don't know why its something I want, I by all rights should hate him. After all he left me before our son was even born. He screwed me in more ways than I can count on one hand.

I know its because deep down I'm still holding on to that hope that all of this is just a huge bad dream and that I'm still engaged to a wonderful man and that I'm going to have his baby and we are going to be a family. We are going to be just like my parents, married for 35 years and still in love.

Well today was the day he was supposed to be here... and I haven't heard a thing. He hasn't returned my texts and I don't expect him to, or he will and will have some kind of excuse....he always does.


Somedays I just wish I could stay in bed all day and just cry.

straight from Gods brain to your mouth...

Song o' the day :Smashing Pumpkins- Disarm (love, love, love this song)

I've been following the story in the link below as I think it is humorous in its absurdity. I would elaborate more about it but you can just read it instead. Yeah I'm lazy, so what?

http://entertainment.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=218909&GT1=7703

Anyway I know enough about Scientology to think that its a big load of crap. I'm usually pretty tolerant of other religions and of other peoples beliefs but so far it seems like Scientology is a celebrity trend that is focused on giving them meaning for their shallow,self important lives and an excuse for their closet drinking in exchange for their donations to build more of their "learning centers".

While I'm on the subject of crazy off shoot religions and celebrities what is the deal (my seinfeld homage) with crazy off shoot religions and celebrities? Hollywood can make anything trendy,Ancient Mystical Jewish Religion? Cool! Building a giant space ship to transport you to a secret utopia? Awesome! Worshiping Paris Hiltons toe nails?...restraning order (THATS HOT!) excuse me while I vomit.

I mean whatever happend to worshipping a Fendi bag or Gucci sunglasses? Why is the quest for enlightenment suddenly so important to the hordes of A-listers?
Could it be that after numerous:weddings,divorces,gay scandals,sex tapes,plastic surgeries,children, D.U.I's,rehab stints. That they realize they might be going to hell? How to rectify this? A donation of thousands and free advertising for the cult of choice.

It kinda makes me feel all icky inside. I think I'll go practice my hyms...

Song of the day : Greenwheel- Peace of Mind

Happy St.Paddy's to all...

As I flip through the numerous channels on my t.v I realize that it can be lumped into a few main catagories..Theres the shows I watch, the shows I might watch and the shows I would have to have half a brain to watch.

The shows I might watch include some of these "supernatural" type shows...I might watch them because I kinda dig weird supernatural stuff but I probably won't because of what they usually entail. Take for example the one, I think its called "ghost whisperer" or something like that. Anyway it stars Jennifer Love Hewitt as a woman with the ability to see and hear ghosts. In each episode she encounters ghosts and helps them to move on to the otherside. Hmmm I think I've seen this one before... my SIXTH SENSE is telling me to change the channel.

Now normally I like to make fun of people who write into big networks and plead with them to bring back canceled shows that they spent many nights infront of the t.v for. Honestly do you think they care about your obsession with "growing pains"? (but Kirk Cameron was so dreamy!..yeah and I was like 5 when he was popular..its time to let it go) but if I were to write in and plead for them to bring back any show I think it would have to be one called American Gothic. It wasn't a long running show but it was damn good! Well, from what I remember anyway. It was a creepy drama/thriller about a small town being unknowingly caught between the battle of good and evil. It also stared some actors that I think are amazing but sadly under Hollywoods "it radar" such as Gary Cole (whom you may remember from Office Space) and Lucas Black who you have probably seen in just about everything! Sling Blade, Cold Mountain, All The Pretty Horses, Friday Night Lights and most recently Jarhead. Sadly though I fear he is about to taint his awesomeness by staring in "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo..I wish I was kidding.

Anyway I think that this show could actually shake up what is an otherwise dull dose of network programming. I'm really getting sick of all these "reality" shows and those "self improvement shows" Lets try something that doesn't suck.

Okay I'm done with that rant.

I would like to take a minute to pat myself on the back if I may. Of course I may,its my blog and I'll do what I like...anywho...I would like to personally congratulate myself for being able to fit back into my jeans that I wore before I was pregnant. Actually I wore them up until 8 months and I tried them on for the first time today and they fit. Kudos to me.

yeah I know, who really brags about themselves? I figure that I don't need a man to tell me how hot I am and seeing as how I don't have one anyway I may as well tell myself. Call me concieted..I'll tell you to go make sweet love to yourself in a corner..everybody wins.

Here piggy piggy....

I wrote this blog a few years ago and decided to re-post it here, just for something to do. A few notes: I no longer work in said restaurant and I would rather poke out my own eye with a rusty spork than go back. Also I am still not a small girl so once again don't go assuming I'm a skinny girl making fun of fat people. On that note however for the record of fat people complaining how "hard" it really is to loose weight, I just had a baby a month ago yesterday and I am already at my pre-pregnancy weight. So if your a fatty looking for sympathy,you might find it with Betty or Duncan but you won't find it here.

This blog is devoted to all things fat.

I work as a waitress in a popular "family" restaurant where the only remotely healthy things to be found are the garden salad and the fruit cups. Thats it.
Out of all the people I serve in a night I would have to say that at least 50% of them are obese. Not overweight, not chunky but outlandishly huge.Now, Before all you fatties start sending me hate mail about what a skinny bitch I am, know this: I am not a skinny girl.

I am infact healthy and yes I could probably stand to loose 10-15 pounds. I have never been a small girl and I do know what its like to be the fat kid. I also know that weight can be lost. Its not the big people that honestly try to loose weight,or people that have conditions that I have something against.I also would like to mention that I find big guys sexy, not fat guys. I said big guys, you know solid hulks of men, guys that look like they could be football players. Not the guys that sit in the chair watching football.

Its the lazy ass whiny chumps that sit there and talk about how fat they are with a bag of lite chips in one hand and a diet coke in the other.YOUR NOT FOOLING ANYONE!!! DIET AND LITE? NOT IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE DAMN THING!!!!!When are fat people going to learn that its not just about what they eat? Its about how fucking much they are shoving into those tiny pie holes. Its about wheezing from walking up a damn flight of stairs. Its running low on groceries and looking at fluffy like shes the next meal.

So your probably wondering, Am I a fatty?

I have compiled a short list of questions to help you decide.
1) Do you have to be weighed on a cattle scale?
2) Do you have to do workout tapes on slow-mo so you can keep up?
3) Have you ever eaten condiments straight out of the jar?
4) Does the food channel make you hungry? (5+) If it also turns you on.
5) Have you ever found food in your fat folds?
6) Could you bottle your sweat like evian?
7) Do the words "toga" and "mumu" describe your apparel?
8) Have you seen your feet or genitals in the last year? *without bending over or lifting a fold*
9) Do people make animal noises or shout "earthquake" when you walk by?
10 ) Do small children use your shadow for shade in the summer?

If you can relate to these questions, well my portly friend you are indeed a fatty.

proFUNity...

A friends dad once told me that common words were for common people. In other words, if you swear its because your not smart enough to come up with a better word. Well I only have one thing to say to him. "Go fuck yourself."

Okay, okay..in all seriousness I know that swearing constantly is kind of uncouth and I know that I am guilty of doing it far more often that I should. Especially when I am angry or surprised. For example "Are you fucking serious?" or "Well ain't that some shit!" Sometimes you could think of a million better words but only those would do.

There are times when swearing isn't appropriate, like church or infront of grandma...unless you have one of "those" grandmas. Even if you do though, there are rules when swearing infront of her. They are as follows:(these rules apply to most old people you may be swearing infront of)

1) Do not say the word "Fuck". Fuck is considered the pottiest of the most common swear words. Therefore harder to get away with in most settings.

2) Bitch, is easiest to let slip during grandma's soaps. Such as "Maddie slept with her bestfriends husband while they were supposed to be looking after those orphans? That BITCH!" Grandma will most likely nod in agreement and then hush you so she doesn't miss anything.

3) Some swear words can be slipped into conversations as a way to make them more lively. Example: "Grandpa tell me about the time you gave all those commies an ass-whoopin!" These kind of insertions are especially effective as they are likely to excite grandpa and may even encourage him to swear as well!

I would also like to address the issue of what I like to call "Swearing Alternatives" some people think that these clever substitutions are better than swearing but they really aren't. If you can't say the real word, don't say anything. Your weak attempt to "clean it up" just makes you look like an idiot. After all, we all know what you really wanted to say and you'll lose respect because you didn't have the cojones to say it.

A short list of these "sissy substitutions" include: Frickin/friggin/freakin,Effin,Fudge,uckfay, Shat *you get half points because I suppose it is slang for shit* Arse *also may get half points* A-hole (taking out 2 letters doesn't make it ok!) Beeyotch or Biotch (am guilty of this one but I realize it does sound stupid) other "sissy subs" include any word you may use in place of a swear that has no relevant meanings whatsoever, like "Kerfluffle" or "Fiddlesticks!" What the fuck is a fiddlestick?! * A shiny gold star if anyone knows*

Now there are some swear words that should just not be said, by anyone, ever! Actually they are a combination of swear/slang words..but they are still bad enough that I have literally seen people get severly beaten at their mere utterance. Usually the people saying them deserved what they got. Yup they are that bad. Now some of you will present the "Words are just words, why get so uptight" argument. Well I can't really say what it is about these words that make them so hard to ignore except that they have a way of getting to the soul of most people. Yes words are words but they still carry weight in certain contexts and even the stiffiest lip would have trouble ignoring them.

I'm not going to go saying them just for the sake of having them in print, I'm sure that if your over the age of like 13 and watched an r-rated movie,listened to a rap song or hung out at the mall for an hour chances are you have already been exposed to one or more of these "forbidden swears". The next time you may be tempted to use a loaded word like that stop and think.."Would I deserve an eternal wedgie for saying this?" If you think the answer might be yes don't say it. If you do say if, you may want to notify the hospital of your arrival because chances are...
Your in for one hell of an ass-whoopin.

Well seeing as how I'm tired and run out of steam I'm going to wrap up this little rant. Hope you all learned something spiffy today. Be safe and remember, please swear responsibly.

*sigh* cursed with a case of the verbal shits.

So I've been feeling kinda pissy lately because it feels like the only times my friends call anymore is when they want to bitch about something and then thats it. It really sucks because they don't realize that the shit they are bitching about, I would love to be able to complain about. Stuff like their jobs,relationships and other friends. Right now I don't have any of that. I am at home recovering from major surgery and taking care of my son.

Don't get me wrong, I love my little guy and I like being a mom but because of the surgery I can't do the things I wanna do and its really, really hard. Its frustrating because I can relate to my friends problems because I used to have the same ones but now it seems like nobody can relate to me because they have never been in this situation. I'm always the friend that other friends know they can trust and lean on for support so I never want to breakdown.

Sometimes though, my internalized frustrations seep out at the worst times. Like today for example: I've been really worried about a close friend of mine because he's been through a lot with his relationships lately and with becomming a new dad I know how much of a mind fuck stuff like that can be. One minute you think your fine and the next your wondering what the hell your going to do. I'll admit I was a little pissed at him that he was thinking about getting back together with his ex, only because when he was with her he told me how unhappy he was getting and the fact that neither of them sounded very commited anymore made me feel really sad for him. I was relieved when they broke up (no I was not happy because I don't like her, I've never even met her and I'm sure she is nice enough) but I was happy because he seemed happier. So yeah it kinda made me wonder why the hell he would want to get back with her if he was so unhappy in the first place.

Also making me a little bitchy was the fact that when he was with her he was flirting with me and I felt kinda cheap, like I'm good enough to flirt with when your bored with your girlfriend but as soon as your single he barely had time to even talk to me. I know that he would never do something like that intentionally but after being screwed around by my exfiance I believe you are either faithful in a relationship or stay single until you are ready for one.

But instead of just telling him all that and how I felt honestly I went on a rant and took some low blow shots that weren't really fair. I feel pretty bad that I took out my frustrations on him. I didn't know it but I guess he was having a bad day already and didn't need me chewing him out on top of everything. If I had known I would have surely kept my mouth shut...
Anyway I'm hurt that he feels like I betrayed his confidence, because that is the last thing I would want to do. He is a really good person and I do want him to be happy but I suppose if I want to be a good friend I have to just sit back and let him do what he wants to do. It would be nice to know that my friendship did matter sometimes but on the other hand if he wanted my opinions or advice I guess he would ask for them.

So I guess from now on I will keep my piehole shut and keep my feelings to myself. I would rather just keep it in than risk hurting someone I love. Besides I don't have a lot of true friends and I don't want to loose the ones I have.

life:cruel cosmic joke?

I think it may be. Or at least it seems like it way too much to be sheer coincidence.

Take people for example. It seems that all the nice cool people end up being dateless wonders and all the stuck up "pretty" people are the ones with the jam packed calendars.

It doesn't just happen to me either. Take a old friend of mine. Who I shall call...Craigers. *yeah I know its not very original but whatever*

Physically he's tall,well built and I would say fairly good looking. Emotionally ..okay he has a few issues but who doesn't, over all though he's surprisingly sensitive,intelligent, funny,passionate and very loyal to his friends and family.

Sure he's kind of a computer nerd but some girls like that kind of thing and I would say that for as long as I've known him (about 5 years) his only real downfalls to me are that he's stubborn and can have a bit of a one track mind (not sexually speaking,just with whatever he might be focused on)

So why is it that he is girlfriendless? I'm not really sure. I can say that a lot of the girls where I live are kind of slutty biotches..but even if you exclude all those there should be a nice girl out there right? Now I know what your thinking "Hey your a nice girl and always complaining about being single, why don't you two hook up?" The answer my friends is simple. We already did. It didn't last that long but it was nice while it did I would say. It was also ages ago and I think he would concur that we were better friends that...uh..a couple. I was going to say better friends than lovers..but the loving was ok too..so really we just didn't connect or some new agey shit like that.

Anyway I can relate to his laments about wanting to find someone. I thought I had found my someone but we all know how that turned out...so its back to the drawing board.

Ladies..I encourage you to try dating some nice guys..like Craiggers. I won't however play matchmaker, I did that for him once a long time ago and it had very crazy results. Just a tip kids, never set up two friends that hate each other because your bored. Its just not a good idea, especially when you live together.

Well seeing as how I've run out of anything good to say I'll sign off for now.

Just talked to my sexy ex..not my exfiance but the ex that is still my one of my best friends and that I'm still psuedo in love with..I say that because its not like an unhealthy one sided thing. We both freely admit we love each other but it doesn't mean we are supposed to be together.

Anyway turns out that he's a daddy..3 weeks early! The girl that was pregnant with his baby (not his gf) had to have a csection and gave birth to a baby girl. I'm happy for him but at the same time my heart really goes out to him I don't think he was quite prepared to be a dad yet...now or in 3 weeks from now. Plus I know how scary it can be to go from having zero responsibilities to your entire life having one direction.

He's a wonderful man though and I think he'll be a really good dad.

Listening to: Smile Empty Soul- Silhouettes.

Uninspired...thats how I feel today.

Thinking about how I can't wait to get rid of these extra pounds...baby fat lol.

Its especially frustrating because I can't really do any heavy exercise until my abcess is done healing..so at least another two weeks. Its not that I'm really concerned with being fat but I would like to get back into my old clothes. Just to feel better. I'm only 22 I don't want to start dressing completely matronly just yet. Although I'm pretty sure its time to retire my black mesh top.

I think I'm addicted to Starbucks. Sad I know considdering I used to work at a rival coffee shop here in town and I have to say that our product was far better. The only reason I don't go there is that after 3 years I was "Laid off" more or less because I was being accused of stealing by the manager..whom H.O later discovered was ripping them off. Yeah I was a fall girl. It sucked. Also I won't drink anything I made unless I'm the one making it. So I settled for Starbucks brand of (slightly) over roasted brew. Caffine keeps me on that nice little edge of almost crazy.

I really have nothing exciting to talk about right now, as I said, I am uninspired. I do however like to complain about things so if anyone can think of something they would like to read me complain about...feel free to leave a comment.

Also I would really enjoy a cigarette. I quit smoking while I was pregnant but now I have the worst urges to take it up again. Could be half in part because I'm still dealing with my exfiance and all his b.s. but also because part of me kind of enjoyed smoking. It was my social habbit...I'm not really a drinker so it kind of did the job. However living in a non smoking house with a new baby doesn't really give me a lot of chances to light up.
I need to get out more.

nightmares and horrible spelling.

Last night was pretty much a running string of nightmares for me. Most likely caused by talking to my exfiance. Its wasn't even a horrible conversation,just thinking about him gives me brain rot I guess. lol.

I have noticed that my spelling is getting rather lax. I guess its time to pull out the Websters a little more.

I'm just sitting here waiting for my homecare nurse to come and change my bandaid, its not really the highlight of my day but its about all I got on the ball right now. My baby sounds like he's laughing at me...thats right kid laugh it up and see who changes you later! :P Aw he's too cute to stay mad at! He's getting chubby too! 7 pounds 13 ounces!

Anyway I think I shall spend my afternoon in the persuit of sleep and perusing my cookbooks. Its really something I have to get back into doing, I'm not that horrible but I'm not that good. Plus how am I ever going to land a man if I can't cook??? (I think I just set back womens lib about 20 years with that statement lol) Actually I don't mind cooking as long as he does the dishes. Its a little philosophy I've adapted from "Bride of Chucky" which seems like an unlikely place to gain any sort of wisdom but I think it rings true.

well ciao bellas ( see...italian...ohhhhh!)

I guess not everyone here sucks....

I decided to look for blogs from people where I live the other day, cuz I really just wanted to see if there was anyone closed to where I lived that wasn't already one of my friends,enemies or a complete reject of society.

Lo and behold I actually found a few. John Grisham (sp?) fans are always good in my books (no pun intended) Seeing as how I just finished "The Broker" I am now bound and determined to learn italian. Well for a few days at least. I tend to get little flights of fancy that way. I was reading another bloggers post on how he gets into books and whatnot and I can totally relate. Movies are just as bad for me! After I saw dirty dancing for the first time I wanted to learn how to dance and I wanted to marry Patrick Swayze ( which is kind icky if you think of the age difference!)

I've also wanted to be Catwoman (common, Michelle Pfifer in Batman Returns..MEOW!) Jessica Rabbit (realized it would be difficult to be a cartoon) and Angelina Jolie in...any movie. (love her!)

Looking at my choices I realize that in a way they are the kind of woman I would like to eventually be. Sure they are all a little slutty but they don't take crap from people and aren't afraid to be sexy.

Well that got introspective! enough of that....for now.

I knew it wouldn't last. Dogs always wander..but they always find their way home eventually.

The dog has found his way home. I know for a fact its because he probably didn't like the other choices. He would rather run away than stay and fix his mistakes. So now he's back, wants to talk and wants to see his son.

I don't know what to do. Of course I'm not going to go running back to him. At this point I can't admit that I love him or even like him. It is his son but by what measure. Sure he helped make it but does that mean that he has any rights at all? Should I even care?

This is the same man that has lied to me,cheated and put his hands on the mother of his son. Can I even use the word man in that sentence seriously? On the other hand he was the one that I was in love with enough to carry his child. I need time to think about this. I'm supposed to call him later but I'm not really sure of what to say. It all seems so silly. Fill him in on the last 3 weeks. Try to describe the birth that he missed, try to describe how beautiful his son is with words? How can I do this?

Everyday I have prayed to God for strength for myself and prayed for his soul because of everything he's done. I guess now I will find out if those prayers are heard.

In lieu of my usual serious posts I decided to lighten things up a bit.

Its funny I thought I would never have time to post after having a baby but its funny how a debilitating infection will free up some time.

Anyway. Most of you who know me, or of me know that I have a very vivid imagination that usually carries over into my dream state. Yes there are times that I wish that I could make these dreams a reality. Mostly because if I could my life would be a hell of a lot more interesting. A shit load more interesting if you will.

Take last night for example. I was at a house party for Halloween (okay this doesn't sound so extraordinary except for the fact that as I have mentioned my life really is that boring.) SO I'm at this house party and I'm dressed as a french maid. I have never dressed as a french maid for anything but I must say that in my dream I looked spectacular. I think it was in part due to the black stockings and patent leather high heels. Any woman can look sexy in that. With maybe the exception of Roseanne Barr and Anne Murray who I can't imagine looking sexy in anything nor would I want to try to invision it. But I'm getting off topic so back to the dream.

I'm in this maid outfit and all my friends are there and everyone looks crazy good. Somewhere in my brain I know that this is going to be one of those hedonistic dreams. oh yeah baby. So in my dream I walk into one of the many bedrooms and a friend of mine (who was dressed as the incredible hulk and to his credit is rather incredible...for reasons I will not go into now..this is my story dammit!) was passed out on the floor with a lit cigarette in his mouth. I took the cig and smoked it because it would be a shame to waste it and I tried to wake him. In reality when you try to wake someone who is passed out normally you would shout thier name or perhaps shake them a little. This is where dream comes in. I decided that stradling him and and then trying to wake him would be a far better idea. He woke up and was not at all surprised to find me this way. To be honest this might not be too far from reality because well...I'm a minx. LOL. Common..Ladies can you really say that you would pass up the opportunity to straddle a hot passed out guy? What?! he's of legal age and its not like I slipped him a rufie or something...gawd.

Moving on, he wakes up and invites me outside to go for a swim in the pool. So now I'm wet and in a french maid out fit, and him being the incredible hulk means that he had to rip off his clothes in a fit of anger. Too bad all that green paint came off in the pool. Now not being a complete pervert neither of us were naked (ugh do I really have to still dream in pg 13?) but this is where the dream gets a little bizzare (but still sexy! so stay tuned)

People start joining us in the pool and I soon realize that my friends are vampires and the pool has turned into blood. Am I alarmed? No. Am I a little confused? You betcha. Am I about to get out of the pool potentially missing some hot vampire pool action? Not bloody likely (hahah no pun intended) Everyone starts hooking up, lots of bitting and groping. All of a sudden I starting get gropped by a hot vampire chick..whoa hold up! A chick..I have nothing against girls but I'm pretty hetero. I go with it for a moment but decide that its not for me after all. I slink out of the pool and shake off my fur. Yes fur. The dream has twisted again as I find that I have turned into a sleek black panther. I walk back into the house and there I crawl onto the couch beside my sexy ex (not the boy but the one before) and he pets me and then feeds me a steak. At which point I am back to my human form and we sit there eating steaks, which are still raw but I'm sure that ecoli isn't really a worry at this point. Seeing as how I am naked (must have lost french maid outfit during pather transformation) and sitting on a couch with my ex at a house party full of vampires.

I wake up at this point which is fine with me because I can't really see where a dream like that could really go. Or maybe I'm just not willing to write about where I could see it going ;)

That about covers most of it, I'm sure there were more little wierd bits but nothing I can remember being too relevent. That was fun to write about though. I think I could take a crack at like erotic fiction or something. Although it would be like kinky fiction. I'm not much for the Harlequin romance. There is something I find odd about phrases like "throbing member" or "swollen bosom". Plus you have to admit that leather is more exciting than lace.

space monkey?

Alright, I would like to think that I am still fairly young enough to not be completely out of touch with todays youth. I understand that by saying something like "todays youth" doesn't exactly help my case but thats not the point to this rant.

I read an article on msn.com about a young teen boy dying in the states from playing a game. What kind of game? you ask. Did he die from swallowing a Monopoly(tm*) piece? Perhaps he had too much fun getting into "Trouble" (tm). Or maybe one of those Hungry Hungry Hippos decided to finally get its fill by chomping on the boy.

Sadly this wasn't that kind of game. It has many slang names including "blackout,pass out and space monkey" but in medical terms comes down to "self asphyxiation" basically these kids choke themselves in the hopes of obtaining a high. What they don't seem to realize is that cutting off the oxygen to the brain CAN KILL THEM!

Supposedly this "game" is becomming all the rage, with kids even holding blackout parties.

Excuse me for a moment while I loose my composure. WHAT THE HELL?!!

Is this some kind of teen retaliation for all those anti-drug lectures? We take away their right of passage of getting high behind the school gym for the first time so instead they choose a far cooler and more rebellious brain embolism. I repeat, WHAT THE HELL!!!??

I have trouble with the fact that they are having parties to do this kind of thing in groups. "So son what are you doing tonight"? (naive 50's era father) "Well dad I think I'll head over to Timmy's and choke myself until I get stupid" "Allright son, just don't put yourself into a coma like the Smith boy did".

Yeah I don't think so. I'd rather have my kid smoking pot behind the gym. Of course I don't mean that seriously, I would hope that my kid doesn't get into that stuff at all, but I know as well as just about anyone that "experimented" at some point that its always there. Hopefully though I can have the relationship with my kid that they could ask me about and be smart about it.

Besides, if I can't choke my kid he can't do it either*.

* I was just kidding about that too....social services,you can quit calling now.

just because I'm a single mom doesn't mean I'm retarded.

Why is it that people think that because you have a man around it somehow makes you a better mother?

Being "labled" a single mom means that you must be young, stupid and completely unable to care for another human being. Its in furiating. I didn't ask for this, I didn't ask to be left by the "man" that was supposed to be there for me.

People who don't know that however, assume that I am just going to sit around and cry and neglect the needs of my child and that I need "all the help I can get" Some girls, maybe they do need that help. I'm not saying its wrong. I'm very lucky that I have supportive family and a few very close friends to help me out. I know a lot of girls aren't that lucky and they need help sometimes.

Though it should be something thats optional, not imposed. Thats how I feel. That by not accepting the help that its not because I'm trying to do it on my own its because I'm in denial about my "circumstances" Fuck that.

All I want to do is heal. I want to move on with my life and stop being reminded of the fact that I'm some kind of singular being. Single mom, single woman..ect. I'm just me! I'm just trying to pick up my pieces and create a newer better life for my son and I.

It turns out that my infection was worse than I thought. Yeah I bet your asking yourself, How much worse can it be to have an infection?

Well it wasn't just an infection, it was actually an internall abcess that was across the length of my incision. So, I had to go back to the hospital and they cut me back open, drained out everything that had accumulated and now I have to have it packed and repacked with gauze everyday for about the next 2 weeks.

Yes I have about a 4-5 inch long and 2 inch deep open wound on my lower abdomen. So not freaking sexy. I feel pretty gross and I'm back to being treated like a helpless infant. Actually my son has more independence than I do and he's only 2 and a half weeks old.

Oh well theres really not much I can do I just want to hurry up and get heal so I can get back out there and start living my life and spending time taking care of my son. Everyone feels so bad for me but whats the point of throwing a pity party for myself? Shit happens so I just have to focus one day at a time.