its like westside story..only no singing

Another borning night at work is done and now I'm off for 2 days whoot!! The only sad thing is that I won't get to see my princess :( it is seriously sick how much I have a crush on him. Its weird..I haven't had a crush in quite a while. Usually I get the whole crazy "fallinginlovebeforeIhaveachancetothinkaboutit" but with this guy I'm like.."I want him to be my boyfriend" He's just so sweet to me and its so nice. We aren't even dating but he'll sit there and hold my hand and rub my back and he doesn't care what people say.

The tragic thing is, I still live with my parents and so does he..he also lives out of town and doesn't drive (he gets rides into town) and I don't drive either. So it would be really hard for us to date. Hard but not impossible mind you. Still I am very wary though because I don't know if he needs a girlfriend right now. He spent a while in prison so I know that he's really enjoying the female contact but I think he may want to do the whole play around thing too. I'm really not up for that, I like to flirt and stuff but I just hate casual sex. So I don't know how far its going to go. I'm just going to take it for what it is right now and see what comes of it.

It doesn't help that he's just so damn cute...okay enough mushing about him or else I'll just go on and on.

Then again I will just be writing about him again anyway so...:)

okay I'm off to bath and then to bed...

if ya want my body and ya think I'm sexy...

Hmmm...well things are going cool with new guy..he's a total sweetie..I've already nicknamed him princess which is the funniest thing in the world because he looks like the kinda guy you would not want to meet in a dark alley..but like most men he's just a big pussycat.

I have more to write but at the moment I think I need sleep..actually no..I was told to get sleep after I almost fainted at work. Literally. I got dizzy and was on my way to the floor but luckily princess grabbed me and plopped me down in a chair. After a glass of water I was okay, but he gave me shit and told me that I need to quit wrecking myself and start taking care of my body. I kinda listened lol.

anywho, hope your all doing the do...ciao!

here I go again...

Call me crazy but I'm at it again..yeah,yeah I know haha.

I can't help it, I smell fresh meat and I'm on it like a fat kid on a smartie. It also doesn't help that I think I have a way with guys, I'm a flirt and I like to tease them but I don't act like a whore..I don't know what it is but I just seem to enchant them or something..which occasionally has its draw backs. However I think I may enjoy this one. *mwha*

Hes the new guy at work *what is it about my job that attracts the hottest guys?* he's my type to a T. Bad,buff and beaaaauuuutiful! He's the thing wet dreams are made of. I worked with him last night and he's already calling me sexy...and he bit me. Yes you read that right. He bit me. We were talking about the other cook who is a nice guy but has the most repulsive body odor you could imagine, and I mentioned that I smelled far better than he did. Well he had to smell me for comparision sake and leaned in. He liked what he smelled cuz the next thing I know he's biting my neck. Well..I was glad I was sitting down...because GODDAMN! Bite the neck and I am done.

I don't mean to sound conceited but it will so I'll just say it...I could so hit that. lol. Not that I've really made it a secret. Its great because he would totally be up for it too...hmmm this could either be really good or so very very bad. I have to say though the attention is a nice boost.

I'm working on repairing my self esteem which has taken a few blows..a lot of them are self inflicted but I also know that as evil as I can be...well I can't be a bitch forever. I have also gotten a lot of nice compliments thrown my way in the last little while. The other night I was sitting around at work just hanging out and I was just wearing a hoodie and jeans but I had my hair done a little and some make up on and one of my regulars did a double take, said "wow you look phenonminal today!" I also heard from one of my ex's the other day that I don't need make up...and he's seen me first thing in the morning so I know its a genuine compliment comming from him.

Wow...I swear I must have multipul personalities..some days..well a lot of days I feel like absolute shit and I cry because I'm so heartbroken and then other days I'm like "fuck men, I'm just going to shake my shit and they'll like it and then I'll screw with them" I'm trying to figure out if I'll ever just find a happy medium..a bad boy that I could just settle down with and be content. Who knows? I do know that I am done with the whole "love" thing for a while. I'm just going to be a player and not commit to anything or anyone. Its just too dangerous. Theres too much out there to get serious anyway.

Man, I smell something fierce right now..lol..okay I know, TMI. I work in a grease hole for 8 hours..what can you expect? I need to shower..I didn't get to have one yesterday. Probably because I was too stoned to get out of my chair. Something I'm also doing right now..I've decided to go on a crazy bender and see how long I can work,smoke weed and do stuff without sleep. So far I'm on day three and had about 4 hours or so. I tell ya though, everything I've eaten in the last couple days has been really, really good lol.

but time for me to go destinkafy myself...

doing a lot better today..not everything is great but I spent a lot of time with my coworkers whom I am lucky enough to considder friends and they really gave me a lot of strength and perspective.

It was a good night, we could wear whatever we wanted because of the holiday so I wore a turquoise blue shirt with a silver tree on it.Everyone thought it was cool. I ven curled my hair just to look extra pretty. One guy told Susan that I was so pretty that he just wanted to touch me everytime I walked by,..A little odd but sweet because he wasn't even drunk lol.

Oh..I'm so full..I just finished Easter dinner with my rents, my brother his wife and my little nephew. Well they aren't actually married yet and he's not really my nephew because he's from a previous marrige but to me they are my family anyway.

I realize this is the most mundane entry lol..there is a few more things going on..but I want to keep them to myself for now ;)

alright ttyl all! happy easter

5'9 and I didn't know they piled shit this high.

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad

I'm only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
I'm only happy when it rains

I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains
I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me

You can keep me company
As long as you don't care
I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains

so on top of being tired and not being able to sleep well..I had to dream about my dead ex bf. I just woke up about 10 minutes ago breathing almost to the point of hyperventilating and I felt like grief was sitting on my cheast.

The dream didn't really make sense, but seeing him and having him talk to me. I was crying in my dream and all I really remember is that he had my chin in his hand and he was whispering something to me. I miss the person he was. I know that would couldn't have stayed together but I wanted to be his friend and I won't ever have that chance.

My brain is so tweaked out right now. Its pretty much overloading me with crap..so I will kill it with mind altering drugs..touche brain,touche.

I feel really alone right now...and thats not a great feeling.

once again its 8:00 and I just got home. I am so tired and stressed from last night that I actually have the shakes. We did 1900$ on a fucking 3 split. It was pretty much a Saturday night bar rush..on a fucking thursday. Damn long weekends. It didn't help that the cooks we had are like, fresh off the short bus. We finally had to call one of the guys who actually knew what he was doing to come in and help. I mean, I sympathize with the cooks..its a tough job but seriously...get your shit together and don't be too proud to ask for help. Your not impressing anyone your only pissing us off. That my friend is a bad thing to do. Although,oddly enough I was the one keeping it all together. I gave up my usual temper tantrums in place of keeping the peace and making sure everyone stayed (sorta) sane. Pat on the back for me.

I was slightly lucky because I didn't really have any rowdy tables. I got a lot of my regulars and had a lot of people request to be served by me. Because,well I'm the shit. haha. I had two tables fight over who loved me more lol.

It was insane though, we still had the place packed at 5:00 am! I asked my sister in law (who is semi religious) if she thought that god was laughing at us. She said most definitly..

I'm thinking I'm just going to go have a hot bath..maybe cry like a heartbroken school girl, then go to bed.

I've also decided that you should never eat anything past its expiration date. I decided that the spinich dip that was a week old was fair game..yeah not a good idea. It killed my stomach..why does it have to be so tasty?

alright fockers..I'm done here.

your four inches from my face
can't you see your in my space
can't you see that maybe
your being so close to me drives me crazy

of course you know it
I'm trying not to show it
I think it amuses you
just to see this is what you do

I feel like a tiger in a cage
stuck in between passion and rage
I want to escape but I don't want to try
your making me laugh when I'm wanting to cry

What answers are you trying to see
by staring like that at me
what truths are you trying to find
hidden in the corners of my mind

the color on my face gives away how I feel
a fire burning too deep to conceal
do I speak to you without saying a word
or is my thinking that absurd?

What is the matter with me? I seriously think my marbels are lost and not comming back. Some people just drive me crazy. I can't even explain it in words. Well I can I guess, but I don't want to. It seems like everytime I open my mouth I end up sticking my foot in it. So its better to just keep what I'm thinking inside my head instead of looking like a complete ass and then having that to freak out about.

Its so frustrating sometimes because I wish I could just do what I really wanted and not have to worry. Ah, in a perfect world maybe but not this one.

fuck everyone who doesn't think I'm good enough for them. I try my god damn best and I get treated like crap. Everybody just wants something and as soon as they get it they don't give two shits about you anymore.

fuck every single last one of those people..I hope you all rot in hell.

Just got back from coffee with my wife..lol..Life is good.

Its funny, things change but some things never do. She is contendly settled in the married life and I'm still kickin up shit. She laughed as I regaled her with some of the things I've been up to in the past couple months. Me stay out of trouble? I was told I'm not allowed because then she couldn't live vicariously through me lol.

It was cool to talk about old times and all the crazy things we did..me being drunk and having "loud" (understatement) encounters every night and her having to get up and go to church the next morning and pray for me..haha. Or else how I used to have dinner on the table when she would get home and we would act like a married couple. Making cookies at 3 am because we had nothing better to do.

We miss those days but we both talked about how the time apart has changed us as well. It doesn't matter how close you are with your best friend..you eventually have to grow and be your own person and shape your own life. I think I'm a lot less crazy now, literally. I loved her with all my heart but we were on such different paths and when we fought..we fought. We were all together in a tight little group since high school and theres nothing wrong with hanging on to those people but you also have to know what your made of and learn to go it on your own sometimes.

Theres been so many things that I've actually sorted out and hadn't realized until I sat down with her. I used to resent her..because she was the one that always got the attention when we were together. She was the skinny, loud blonde chick that guys wanted because they couldn't have her. I was the one of the guys and they always wanted to know how they could hook up with her. I was always one step behind her. Not having her around all the time made me see that I just needed to have a little more confidence in myself and not sell myself short all the time. I don't have to resent her anymore because I am my own person now. I may not have it all wrapped up in a neat little package but I've come a long way and I'm proud of that. Shes done really well for herself too and I'm happy for her. I still am a little envious that she doesn't have to work (ah the benefits of a rich husband) but I bust my ass for my money and that gives me my own satisfaction.

I did however drink waaay too much coffee,what else is new..so now I've got some not so nice gut rot going on. All in all though it was nice to get out.

I'm thinking I might take a little nap..I'm getting old you know, can't handle too much excitement haha. Actually its probably more because I only got a few hours of sleep. I've been having these crazy dreams and I decided its probably better to be awake than asleep. *don't ask lol*

shes back.....

Well well well kids... I've done some thinkin and I'm deciding to bring back the bad girl for a little fun. She came out last summer and around this time last year..every couple of months just to keep things interesting.

I missed my bad girl...the one who was hot and she knew it, the one who always had somewhere to go and someone to see. basically realized that I am not the dating type..I'm not going to find someone to settle down with and I don't really know if I could anyway. That and I miss not needing an excuse to get blitzed on tequilla lol.

I guess I am just tired of giving a shit. Don't get me wrong..my friends, the ones that are closest to me..I will do anything for them. But I'm sick of hearing how many problems everyone has and how depressed they are. Yeah everyone gets down and life is damn hard but some people don't realize how good they could have it. Or they do but are too damn scared to do anything about it. Some people bitch about how they don't think life is worth is yada yada and yet they don't realize that part of life is the people in it and they have friends that have sacrificed so much just to make them happy. Having that is worth it. It also pisses me off when I hardly know the person. I will always, always lend an ear to my close friends..I know they would do the same, but I have people I hardly know telling me their entire life story..you know what? I don't care. Its too bad that daddy didn't hug you enough (or maybe too much..eww) but why should I give a shit. Unless your planning to exact revenge in my workplace..in which case.."How can I help you today?"


I have a nice ass...yes you read that right. I know that I bag on myself a lot...a lot. I'm kinda tired of it. Like I said I always feel a little guilty for blowing my horn. But sometimes I think I deserve it. I'm really proud of my ass...and the twins..god bless em. Yeah sometimes I get tweaked over the attention I get..but you can't tell me when your walking down a side walk and you can hear a guy growl because he's checking you out..that doesn't excite you just a little.

Well..I have to use the potty and then dig into my cosmo..yeah I read cosmo. (I read it for the articles okay!) lol,

later all

Its 2 am and I'm fucking freezing!

I just got home, watched "The Village" with a friend of mine. I thought it was actually a really cool movie.

*sigh* today was..confusing. I got my mind onto things I should not be thinking about. It sucks because I know if I had the chance to do what I wanted...I wouldn't hesitate to do it. Still I don't. That kills me because its such a thing that just burns in me. I guess you never know what will happen.

I'm hungry. Can't decide if I want a bowl of cherrios or not. I also really want a smoke but its too late and too cold for me to go outside. I don't want one that bad.

Oh more good news..I decided to give an old friend a call today..she used to be my roomate and my partener in crime. When we were together something crazy was always happening. If you've ever seen the movie "The Banger Sisters" well that was kinda like us..and it still is lol..Just catching up over the phone..shes still the responsible settled down one and I'm the restless wild cat. It should be a good time tommorrow and I'm happy to be seeing her.

hmm..I think I will go for the o's. (cereal that is...)

ciao for now

Its 730 am and I am beat. I am almost having trouble typing. Last night was actually really slow but it was hard because I was up mostly all day hanging out with my friends. I can't really complain because its my own fault but it was worth it. I'm also tired because I haven't really eaten much in the last day or so...trying so hard to not binge out.

I have lots to write about..but not right now. Need sleep. I also lucked out and got the next 2 days off so I'm going to go clean my piercing and strip down and hit the hay.

later gators.

M.B

you wondered what was amazing about you.

I might not be able to tell all the stories others tell about you and I may not be able to remember half of them that have already been told. But to not know whats amazing about you is impossible.

Your ambition, the way you succeed at things and even if you may fail you never let it hold you back . You believe in your dreams and you do things that most people could only imagine doing. Your amazing because you have stood by your friends and never betrayed them,everyone loves you for it. Your smart and interesting and yet your never cocky about it. Your amazing because you will go out of your way to cheer people up and would give someone the shirt off your back if they needed it. Your amazing because you forgive and always give that second chance even when others think its not deserved. Your amazing because you can look at someone and light a fire in their soul. Your amazing because you have no regrets and in this life that is a rare thing. Your amazing because you take insults in stride when someone may not have been so patient. Your amazing because you would fight for something if you thought it was right,even if it might be wrong. Your amazing because you can admit you envy others and yet your surprised when people envy you. Your amazing because you can make someone think in a way they never thought before about things that normally might never cross their mind. Your amazing how you can kiss someone and they think about it for days because no other kiss came close.

I couldn't find enoug words to tell you what is amazing about you and the best part is learning something new about you because you can always be sure its just going to prove even more how awesome you are.

fuck!

I hate those dreams that are so vividly real that you could swear they were actually happening and then you wake up. SHIT!

I had one of those last night, I was getting stoned with a bunch of people and I was going down stairs and this guy was standing at the bottom and looked up at me as I was comming down. I could tell exactly what was going to happen next by the look on his face. I got to the last step,pushed him up against the wall,wrapped my hand around the back of his neck and just started kissing him. Having this guys arms around me and the feel of his body pressed up against me and then moving into his room..if I was a guy I would have had to wash my sheets this morning.

Then I woke up and boy was I pissed! I never got any farther than kissing in my dream but it didn't matter, it was so passionate. Its funny too because the guy I was dreaming about was one of the most passionate kisses I've ever had.

*sigh* I need to go have a cold shower or stick some snow down my pants or something....

Like a brick

Sometimes I know I take self concious to a whole new level.

I know my friends usually tease me in good fun, but sometimes it really gets me tweaked. Its hard because I don't want to feel like an idiot trying to explain myself.

When I was in high school, I was a freak. I had horrible skin,I was chubby and I couldn't get a guy to look my way if I was naked and holding a beer. There were days where I couldn't look in the mirror and see one beautiful thing about myself. I literally wished for a different face everyday. I would cry myself to sleep because I believed that nobody would ever love me or want to know me.

Things changed after I got out of high school, I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and I lost some weight and got more confidence and started to be more outgoing. I started getting a lot of attention and for a while I relished in it, I had dreamed about being called sexy and beautiful and have guys stare at me and wonder what being with me would be like. It only got better after I met my ex bf. He told me he loved me and for the first time in my life I felt like I was worth something. I know that its a sad thing to have to feel that way by the words of someone else. Since then I have never been able to take compliments the same way.

In the last little while though, I have learned that being pretty just means being pretty. People don't care about my brain or if I'm funny or kind. I'm just a cute face,body..ect. You can only love someone for being pretty for so long. Looks fade though. Thats what drives me the most crazy, the thought of being in love with a person and everything about them and thinking they feel the same way and then finding out that they were just in lust with you. I'm not saying thats what happend to me but sometimes I can't figure out what it is that guys find so damn appealing about me physically.

When people stare at my face I secretly panic wondering if they are seeing all the flaws that I used obsess over..and still do. If they see the dimples as my chubby cheeks or if they notice that zit on my chin or that my eyes are so tiny. They know it gets to me because my red face gives it away, to everyone else its cute and to me..its like being a joke and everyone else gets the punchline before me.

I lament though...I do like being told I look good when I think I do, if I've gone out of my way to dress up or just even on a day where I'm in good spirits, I don't mind hearing "You look really good today" or being told privately "Hey,by the way I think you look beautiful". I do love it but I can't just go around blowing my own horn, I know that confidence is "sexy" but I would much rather be someone who is strong and kind and cool and funny than someone who thinks they are someone really hot. I want people to be able to see something unique about me not just, "yup shes got a great ass" I think thats one of the reasons I got my nose pierced again. I did it for me, because it reminded me of a time I was content with myself.

I just wish I could find it in me to have a little peace inside. To someday be able to have the courage to believe someone when they do give me a compliemt and to know that they mean it but at the same time still know that even with out the compliment I am still a good person.

*sigh* lol...this is getting way too deep and it is far too late for me to get into. Off to bed I go.

listening to:She laughed at me, by Driver. I have had this song stuck in my head for days!

hey all!

Back from Calgary..or Airdrie rather..I was up there to visit a very good friend of mine and I had a really good time.

I'm absolutly broke but that was the point lol..

We went shopping, had dinner and drinks and watched movies. The friend I ended up comming down with me had to head back Saturday night because he got called into work. It sucked because he had to drive home in a snow storm. I was worried about him and wanted to go back with him but neither one of the guys wanted me going..because I'm just that precious lol. So I stayed and slept on my friend Ryans couch. It was nice and comfy just to strech out and relax. Plus I had fun playing with his cat..it loves me :P

We got up in the morning and went and had some breaky and then headed in to Calgary and killed some time at the mall. I then went and got my nose pierced..again..haha. Poor Ryan, I thought he was going to heave. As the guy put the needle through my nose I heard Ryan go "oh,..god.." it was kinda funny because it wasn't even his nose! :P It looks great and I'm happy to have it again.

Then he drove me back to Calgary and we yakked the whole way home. It was a good time and I can't wait till we can all get together and party again.

I'm cold and hungry though so I'm going to go get some chow!

later all

Hey guys and dolls...

Last night was the biggest freaking cake walk night ever! It was so dead, I did sweet dick all..but still managed to make good tips.

I had a table of guys who were absolutly the sweetest guys I've ever served. The one guy kept trying to make me smile and told me that I had the cutest face when I was smiling because I was all bashful. I tend to get very red when I'm embarassed and I don't know why but guys seem to think thats just the neatest thing lol. Personally I think I look like I might be retarded when I smile.

I worked from 9-4 so it was nice to get off early especially since I don't have to work tonight or tommorrow! Whoot! I hope I can have a little fun on my days off...then again I'm not that hard to amuse. One of these days I still want to have a friend over, get pizza and just watch movies and nap all day long.That would be awesome.

I had a really bad nightmare last night..it was pretty freaky and I felt really spooked by it. I know I have them when I'm upset about things but they still bug me. Hopefully I can get some quality zzz's today.

WEll...I should have a shower and then head off to bed..hmmm bed. I love my bed, its all big and soft :) that makes me happy.

au revior all...

p.s... hope your feeling better man pretty..see..I care on occasion. :P

why do I try? I may as well just stay in bed until I have a reason to move. Well besides for eating and bathroom breaks.

one drink I feel good...two drinks I feel everyone!

Listening to :Breathe by Fabulous..really good nice and loud.

So we did 1200$ in sales on a 2 split last night..thats fuckin crazy.

I have this weekend off...how sweet is that shit!! Can you say par-tay!! Mommas lock up your sons! lol...No I'm not that kind of girl ;)

Anyway, I hope everyones doing okay..those of you that know my know if ya'll need anything..day or night..track me down!

I know this is a weak entry but I gotta shower and get some sleep. So I will write more later..time to go strip down and sing to my shower head. *you all know you like the visual of me naked so don't pretend otherwise*..uh yeah right..lol

okayIloveyoubuhbye!

I just woke up and I have a hacking cough..could be due to the fact that I smoked like a chiminey last night. Or maybe I'm dying...*crossses fingers* ...no I don't suppose I've pissed off enough people to go yet.


Slightly annoyed today with seeing my ex's new "loveofhislife" call him "honeybabysugar" or something to that effect everytime she tags..I'm happy with the fact that he's found someone perfect to be with..but right now I'm still licking my wounds and I feel like its being rubbed in. Its not her fault but I'm in big time sensitive mode and I would really love to be able to discuss him without having to refer to him that way.

This just in..Nobody cares at all!!.

I wish that I could almost have a catheter bag on days when I wanna sleep. It totally blows when you have to get up to go all day long! Hmm, well that was graphic.

Oh happy St.Patricks day btw...what does that mean to me? Not much...hopefully nobody is puking green beer at work tonight. :P

Well last night wasn't too bad at..I only worked for 5 hours and I made 50$..thats huge! It was definitly my night for cash. Athough I got hit on by this guy, who I talked to for a total of like...2 minutes and he was suddenly asking if I had a boyfriend and stuff..I was like "Whoa cowboy!" I'm kinda starting to wonder if the saying "becareful what you wish for you just might get it.." is starting to have some truth to it..more on that another time

I enjoyed the company of a friend of mine who is a total sweetheart and he absolutly loves me, he's a riot to talk to because he is completely gay (like taking interior design!) and he was bugging me about a mutual friend of ours. He wanted to know how the "poor excuse for a straight man" was..(you know who you are) he hasn't talked to him in a while and offered to slap him around when he heard we weren't dating. My response was "cest la vie" thats french for "shit happens" (well not a literal translation but you get the idea) Anyway he was fun to talk to and ended up staying till I got off work, I made the guy take 10$ so he could get a cab home. I wasn't about to let him walk 45 minutes in this weather!

So, I'm back home for another day and about to head off to bed. I'm pretty damn tired because I got zero sleep all day yesterday. I just hope I can shut off my brain long enough to fall asleep.

well if anyone has anything interestin they wanna say..holla at me lol ;) Thanks to all the gals that have been leaving comments..you chicks rock!

i'll be just fine pretending I'm not...

So I talked to a close friend of mine today, we used to be like sisters we even looked alike. We were like ying and yang. She was the over acheiving good girl who was good at everything. I was the underachiever and damn proud of it troubled girl.

We were talking about our respective issues and its funny because she has essentially everything she could want and shes still unhappy. She has a great job, shes lived in a ton of different places across Canada and done really well for herself. Its funny though because as I talked to her I realized our love lives were disturbingly similar.

Its nice to have someone who knows what your going through. How it feels to be so restless and have that lust to be completely self distructive.

No, somedays you think death would just be too mercifull. You actually want to punish yourself. Eat,drink and fuck whatever you can because it no longer means anything anymore. My doctor told me that because of my ulcer I was developing a hole in my stomach and that I should change my habbits. I told this to my ex boyfriend over a dinner of pasta,a whiskey and coke and of course a smoke.

See what I mean? Its only getting worse as I go. I'm so desprate to find some meaning left in myself that all day I have been thinking about re-piercing my nose, getting a tattoo and cutting my hair. Its like I can't wait to get away from myself right now. Somedays I wonder how people can stand me..I feel like I'm so weak. A friend of mine told me that he loved my courage and my convictions...I had to laugh.. courage? I'm afraid of everything. Convictions I suppose I can see, mostly because I'm stubborn and don't like admitting I'm wrong. But in all honesty I don't really know jack about shit. I don't know what I'm going to do.

don't wake the kitty...

I was having some *really* amazing dreams this morning when all of a sudden at 8:30 AM my phone rings..I had the good sense not to answer it for fear of killing the person on the other end. I have voice mail dammit. leave me a freaking message. 8:30 in the fucking morning....

someone just might loose a limb for that.

you don't know how sick you make me.

every couple of years the worst thing to ever happen to me comes popping back into my life. just to cause shit.

My ex boyfriend, the one that I don't talk about because he made my life such a living hell. He was in my life during a time when I was possibly more screwed than I am now. I was into drugs and I loved guys that treated me like shit. He did a really good of it too. He was the kinda guy that just couldn't take no for an answer.

He never listened to me when I said no...its not something I'm proud of because I felt like I should have done more to stop him. I was only 16 and I don't ever considder it to have any meaning in my world.

Anyway, he likes to track me down through people I always thought were friends..just to "check in" usually its to ask for money to get him out of whatever trouble he's gotten himself into.

SO he called tonight and was trying to make small talk..I basically got to the point and asked him what he wanted..he needed 400$ for drug money. I asked him why he didn't hit up his aunt who usually takes care of him. Supposedly she stopped giving him cash and told him to take care of himself...I always liked his aunt.

I got irritated because well..I really don't give a rats ass about him and now he was asking me for money. swell. I asked him why the hell he would think that after all this time I would lift one finger to help him.

His reply was this ...."Aren't you always supposed to hold a special place for your first?"

I hung up the phone.

theres a lot I want to write about today..I don't know if I'm just too tired from work to really get it all out right now. I was thinking a lot last night about all my past relationships and the things about them, how my experiances have formed and warped my views on love.

I would say that most of my experiances have in most ways been good ones. More or less because I have learned something valuable from each and everyone of them.

I specifically thought about passion a lot. To me passion was always about attraction..that total lust. After I thought about it more I realized there is so much more to it. I miss passion. Especially in making love. Good sex is always good sex there is no doubt about that but it has been a very,very long time that I have really had someone feel passionate about me or felt passionate about them. I want a guy to look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm beautiful, to touch my face and lace his palms with mine. I want him to be as close as I can get him, I don't just want to feel him inside me..I want to feel him.

It all got me thinking about that because of my weight..Everyones been telling me that I've lost so much weight and how good I look..I was in the bathroom in the back changing for work and I actually heard the cooks talking about how hot I was and how he would like to go all night with a sexy girl like me. I was incredibly flattered..but I would have much rather had a sincere comment..like even just telling me that I looked really good that day or that I have amazing eyes. I don't want to be just another pretty girl..I want to know that someone thinks I am special.. and not like short bus special. Whens the last time someone told someone that they loved the way they think..and really meant it. I like those little off hand comments..like just sitting there with someone and in the middle of a conversation they just toss it out. Its the spontaneous thought..passion,that makes it so wonderful.

anyway..enough babbling..I'm going to have a shower and get some sleep.

Okay, this blog may get a little out there..cuz really if you haven't noticed I'm a little out there myself. I was just inspired so I have to put it down. It may get a little mushy too...which I will try to stay away from..

I told this guy today that he reminds me of music.

You know when your so ..fascinated with someone that everything seems to relate to them some how? With some people it could be a smell,color,place,animal..anything. I had a friend tell me once that I reminded her of Athena, the goddess of war..strong,passionate, a fighter..

Anyway..he reminds me of music. He's that little tune that gets stuck in your head and you can't figure out why. Like lyrics..he's right there but yet you have to read in between the lines to understand him and even then you just never might figure him out. Sometimes he can make you feel so happy and other times...not so much. But it doesn't matter how he makes you feel because you still want him in your life anyway.

Don't mistake me..I'm not obsessed. I don't have a shrine to him or anything like that. But I could be having a total shit time...and it seems like I will hear something that reminds me of him and I can stop and just have a moment, a suspended stillness.. I just think that if he were there and saw me wigging out he would wink at me and just say "aww cupcake" (or something equally aggrivating) and I have no choice to smile and move on. Its kinda embarrassing really.

Like a favorite song, I could never pick just one that reminds me of him because there are so many that fit the different ways I feel about him. The songs I hear when he makes me feel all goofy inside,or mad and frustrated or occasionally when I want to cry over him...There are a ton of them that I think all fit him too..I couldn't pick one to explain how I see him.

I don't really remeber where I was going with this blog. I kinda just started rambling without really having a direction. Its always weird when people inspire me.

I guess I see him as somewhat as an equal..someone I really have a genuine respect for. I respect most people on a basic level, lord knows if you can live this life no matter how you do it you deserve respect. There are a few people in my life though that impact me in a way, sometimes I can't even explain how..that makes a difference in me.

I'll be writing more about the people in my life now..and how they impact me, I think I need to in order to figure out just how I got to where I am now and where I need to go next..so uhmm..stayed tuned I guess..lol. (I'm such a loser...:P )

On the advice of "A girl you know" and some other very close friends..I decided, fuck it why not..lets blog. This is my page, where my feelings go and people have to decide if they want to take the good, and the ugly of me.

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. I went to Calgary with a very good friend of mine who recently broke up with his fiance of two years..he found out that she had been cheating on him while they were together and a whole load of other shit. So we spent the 2 hours to Calgary discussing relationships and our issues.

I've been going through a particularly hard time right now trying to deal with the fact that things always change and trying to be strong enough to deal with having my heart broken a million times over because people don't love me... I figured my friend was a good person to talk to about this because he's a perfectly nice guy,with a lot going for him and yet he got left because of that crazy little thing called love...
He gave me a lot of insight into myself and understands were I'm comming from with a lot of things which is nice, but there are still a lot of things he can't give me answers for.

Like why does it hurt so damn much and why does the other person not seem to care half as much about it as you do. I think its like I told my friend..He said that he thought he was in love with her and I corrected him, that he WAS in love with her but it was all for shit because she didn't love him. It doesn't make him a failure because he loved her. Then you inevitabily start wondering what the hell is wrong with you and how long your going to have to hear about how happy everyone else is and about how "in love" they are.

On the topic on wondering what is wrong with me, I'm an odd one becasue I have the worlds highest/lowest self esteem ever. I don't think that I'm bad looking, most days I can ususally look in a mirror and not mind what I see. Same goes for my personality, I'm usually funny and I know I have a really good heart.

SO whats wrong?!! I could spend hours trying to pick out what it could be that makes guys not want to be with me...Maybe I'm too jealous,too nit picky,too fat too...something..anything. Hell it could be something as simple as I smell.

Then there is having to deal with the effects of love, my friend has lost over 15 pounds (he's a big guy too) in the last little while because of all the stress. I know this song well. I tend to work myself up so bad over myself..I can't deal with stress..I hate crying so I forgo that for puking. It sounds fucked up, but throwing up for me does what having a good cry does for someone else. It relieves me. I don't force myself to throw up, I don't really have to. Just the thoughts of never being able to find someone who will love all the (numerous) fucked up things about me..makes me sick to my stomach.

One of the pro's of love and all its abuses is strength. Everyday I have to fight myself to get out of my bed and make an attempt at living. So many times I thought about giving up and just saying "fuck this,if they don't care now I will make them" . A while ago I actually slept the two days I had off work because nobody knew it but I had actually started taking a bunch of sleeping pills...Luckily I was dumb enough to take them one at a time so I passed out before I got enough in me to kill me. Still,it came way too close.

Every once in a while though, I realize that I am still here and will still wake up in the morning regardless of who does or doesn't care. I am still me. I still have a life to live. I may not like it, in fact I may hate it but I'll fight it tooth and nail just to survive it. Whats bigger to me than love? Pride. I am not about to let something take me down unless its myself...no offense to anyone or anything but there is no more worthy opponent than my own soul. Who knows me better?

The more I talk to my friends I am s-l-o-w-l-y getting it into my head that maybe...just maybe..I have enough redeaming qualities and maybe I will find someone who will see that and be smart enough to do something about it. In the mean time I know that I have to work fixing myself. I have to relearn how to be happy and how to be happy for people. I love my friends with all my heart and I want them to be happy and that is why I struggle so hard sometimes. I don't want to be envious of the people I love because they found something I don't have. I don't want to resent the people I love because they couldn't love me in the way I wanted and most of all I don't want to loose the people I love because I am so deathly afraid of being alone. So in order to keep what I have, I must count my blessing...one blessing at a time. I need to find my faith in something again.

I don't know when it will ever happen to me again all that I know is like I said, I am still here and I don't know what that means except that as long as I allow myself to be here, I am forced to face life head on and be strong. Yes, like everything in life that works, at one point or another I can and do break down. I need to quit being ashamed of this and keep finding the fight to push back. One of the reasons I want to keep writing. If I can even think that maybe one person can identify with how I feel. It reminds me that while we all have to find our own fight, but we aren't doing it alone.

leaving it up to the masses.

So I thought I would leave it up to my fellow bloggers for some input.

I was tossing around the idea of writing again..cuz well..a boring day in my life just does not exsist. Its still like a soap opera and sometimes I think.."shit I should write this down because nobody will believe it actually happened"

One of my close friends told me that one of the things he loved about my blog was that it was totally real. I'm not sure how that differs from anyone elses blogs but I always felt that getting out my thoughts on page helped me put things together.

So if you all miss my (miss) adventures..and such..let me know. Know that if I decide to start this blog up again it will follow the format of my original blog and it will be honest and uncandid. If you don't want to know what I really think about you (for those of you that know me) or about stuff you may be sensitive about..you may not want to be all for it. If you can handle my thoughts,feelings and everything else in the space between my ears..tell me so.

alright...I've thrown it out..now lets see what I can catch..

the final chapter

For any of you that read this, you may have noticed that there are no exsisting entries besides this one. The entries from august2004 (the beggining) to current March 2005 have all been deleted.

Its the end of the blog, maybe the end of some of me as well.

There is nothing left to write really..Except to thank all those who read it, I'm glad you were amused.

*~ take care all..*~
bad kitty.